is this the closest i will ever get?

so we're rapidly approaching the close of this year, and with that, we are headed toward one of the most popular date nights of the year. i have to admit that over the past week or so, i've found myself reflecting on my lonely state and my desire for companionship. with that being stated, i still find myself somewhat conflicted about the form of relationship in which this companionship should manifest.

i'm pretty sure i don't want to be married again, and i know that i don't want a casual thing. i know i want there to be deep emotional and physical intimacy that is long lasting. maybe it just comes down to feeling i need a more immediate presence of love in my life.

i was having a conversation with a new friend about this, and after much stumbling on my part to describe the type of relationship i was hoping would emerge in my life, the best term i could come up with was "a kindred spirit with benefits." it's an admittedly crude descriptor for what i would hope to be a very special relationship, but it is the best i could come with at the time and haven't thought of a better one since.

being able to name the kind of relationship i want is probably the relatively easy part. finding it is another story. i don't think it's just about meeting someone. equally as important is a willingness to be open and vulnerable. because of my experiences over this past several years, i think that willingness is in short supply.

i know a part of life is being hurt in relationships, but what happens when that's all that your experience in relationships has been? how are you supposed to believe that "this time will be different" when that's never the case?

i was sharing with another friend yesterday that what is most frustrating is believing that i have all of this care and affection to pour into someone's life, and there is no one who wants to receive it. i have to admit that the thought of going through another year without a consistent, immediate, intimate relationship causes my heart to sink like a stone through paper. and yet it feels not only like there are no prospects on the horizon, but not even in this known universe.

so the song i've selected to share comes from a holiday album that i have enjoyed for many years. it is my favorite song on the album and expresses how i would like to be in a relationship where i feel this way about someone and he feels equally that way about me. i think it's clear though that i'm losing faith that such a thing can be for me and that the closest i will get to it will be listening to songs like this one.

the gift - jim brickman (feat. susan ashton and colin raye) from the gift