denser and darker

i have to say that i'm really ready for my mondays not to start off in this way. woke up, following a decent night's sleep, feeling somewhat better physically. sure, there was a bit of sinus drainage and my chest felt a bit scratchy, but my back felt much better and on the whole  i was doing much better physically. as for how i was doing emotionally, well that was (and still is) a different story and goes back to the comment that led off this entry.

sadly, i'm starting off the week pretty much with the same challenged state of mind that i have begun too many weeks with this year. i'm discouraged, confused, and entirely lacking in confidence that things will get better.

as to the concept of "better," i had one of my "lost the plot of life" moments in the midst of an online conversation last night with a new friend named jay. typing away on my laptop slumped in my living room couch, i shared that it feels that when it comes to this improved state, i have no vision of it whatsoever or as gertrude stein so famously stated, "there is no there there." as the conversation continued, i tapped into this view of my interior self and saw that i was so bereft of hope that i truly questioned why i was living. it was another one of those times that i just asked, "really, what is the point of all this anyway? why am i even bothering to get up and go out into the world? can i really keep doing this?"

but moving out i have indeed, into another week full of busy activity, but that's my exterior self. my interior self continues to mire in a wood that is growing ever denser and darker and the path for escaping is nowhere to be found.

a shift of the heart

it's interesting. i've shared that i've had a recent experience that sent emotional shockwaves through my psyche, unearthing past and continuing hurts that exist across the entire terrain of my life. today, i returned to the venue in which that experience occurred (in fact i'm in there now), having agreed with the other party to put the past behind us and start over with a clean slate.

i am a big believer in the power of forgiveness and also recognize it is more of a process than a simple discrete event. this perspective being noted, i have to say that i was able to return with no bad feelings or ill will. and despite being well down the path of forgiveness, i can tell there has also been a change in my outlook and viewpoint. i do not feel a part of the group in the way that i had previously. i should also note before i continue any further that this new feeling is solely related to changes that have taken place in me. the people who take part are still the kind, welcoming people they've always been. i'm the one who is different.

there has been a definite shift in my heart. now while up to this point,  i have been referring to my current state as a change it's really a reversion. i have always felt out of synch with most of the world around me (and if you have been a reader of this blog for any appreciable amount of time, that statement is most definitely not "news"). for a period of time, i had participated in this particular group with a sense of belonging. the experience and hurt resulting from what i ultimately characterize as a breach of trust has resulted in my heart shifting back to its steady state -- wary and isolated.

as a result, while i will continue to participate, i can't imagine that i will ever feel as if i belong there. it's really not all that strange actually. in fact, i'm quite used to it.

one for the record books

in the annals of my life history, this year will be recorded and remembered as one of the most difficult of my existence. and that's saying something looking back over my past and given that there are still three and a half months left to 2014. i have no idea if or when there will be better days ahead. i just pray that things don't get any worse.

not a good combination

so it's day four of being sick physically and unwell emotionally. mix that with a very busy week at work and not sleeping well and you've got the makings of a most unpleasant week. one more day to get through. i'm just not sure if i will be walking into the weekend or carried in on a stretcher. so not having fun right now.

someone please come find me

i spent the day at home yesterday still not feeling well in body or spirit. had an interaction that led to my going to bed last night not feeling all that great about myself. i woke up this morning, got out of bed with my lower back in quite a bit of pain. so now i'm lying here with the heating pad on, hoping that with the advil some lessening of the pain will happen in the hour or so before i need to leave for work.

this has really not been my week and it's only wednesday. i'm tired and severely depressed and now in some substantial physical pain to boot. i've got a mountain of work awaiting me and staying out of the office another day to recover is not an option. my outlook on life continues to deteriorate much like the gradual disintegration my body seems to be making.

it's getting darker in these woods of mine. i can't seem to find the path out and help or hope seems nowhere to be found.

not well, not well at all

this was the response i gave in a text message inquiry from sean as to how i was doing. at the time i was referring solely to my emotional state, but over the course of the morning my physical state seems to have declined as well.

i have no idea to what degree the two states are related. i just know that i'm depressed. my body aches. i'm coughing with quite a bit of phlegm and a runny nose. and i'm really, really tired. i'm writing this from my bedroom having left work early and i'm about to take a nap.

it's my hope that when i awake i will feel better and be on the road to recovery. while i have a certain amount of confidence for my physical state, i feel that the journey to "better" will be a much longer one.

off script

i keep forgetting that when people ask how you're doing, unless the answer is "great," they really don't want to know.