how much more?

in the quiet spaces of this weekend, which would pretty much be the entirety of this weekend, i've noticed that my breathing pattern has been somewhat slow and labored. it is as if the heaviness of my heart is weighing down my chest cavity, making its expansion and contraction that much more challenging.

in the times i've experienced this level of depression, i've always been amazed by how truly difficult emotional pain can be. i think people often feel that if you're in this state all you really need to do is to find a distraction -- go to a movie, read a book, listen to some music, go for a walk, call up a friend, indulge in a new hobby, have sex (or its reasonable facsimile), redecorate your home, and so on, and so on.

what not many people realize is that just as with my labored breathing, depression tends to weigh down everything. everything becomes a monumental undertaking such that even if you can motivate yourself to do any of those activities, they are difficult to sustain because of lack of focus or energy or both. plus, if my experience is any indication, your enjoyment of them is not nearly as complete as when you feel whole and healthy.

for me, in any given week, i have like a window of productive space. my mind is clear enough, my enthusiasm strong enough, my energy level high enough that i can get things done. depending on how my brain chemistry is working in that particular week and the number of frustrations, disappointments or unexpected "surprises" that have happened, that window can be as long as a few days or as short as a few hours over the course of the entire week. it's not the greatest way to live a life, but i'm trying.

it would help if i had a belief that life will be better than this someday -- that work will yield accomplishment as well as effort, that friends who are engaged and physically present will be plentiful, and that, as i continue to wander lost and alone in these dark woods, love will come find me  and help me to find my way home. it would help even more if any elements of that belief were reality.

i guess it really shouldn't be so surprising that this kind of hope eludes me. i mean, after all, how much more can a heavy heart and a broken spirit really be expected to carry?

unseen and unnoticed

today i went to a place i normally go to get some degree of relief from the pressures of life. it's a comic shop that's located in a huge warehouse. normally, it's a pretty quiet place and because of its scale you can walk around and barely encounter a soul.

i went there today having been experiencing a good degree of emotional stress this morning. i was feeling overwhelmed by thoughts of the many things that seem to be broken in my life in terms of work and personal relationships as well as dealing with the transition to my new anti-depressant medication. i felt very alone and confused and i thought maybe going to my lcs (local comic shop) would provide some solace.

when i pulled into the parking lot, it was filled with cars, and i could tell that meant there was likely some type of event going on. i ended up guessing correctly that it was one of the auctions they hold on the site on a periodic basis.

as i entered the store, i could tell something was different. much of the shelving space had been shifted around. as i got deeper into the store and started looking around it became apparent quite a bit  of the merchandise had been displaced as well, but in such a way that it wasn't clear anymore what material was where or how it was even organized.

i walked around looking for a particular book that had recently come out. try as i might i could not find it. some stuff looked as if it had been just pulled from the shelves at random and put on other shelves. some books were just piled on tops of tables, different publishers and titles were just all mixed in together. it was quite literally a mess.

as i walked from row to row, my level of frustration growing, i would pass groups of people milling around the shop excited about the impending auction. they were looking at the merchandise that would soon go up for bid. Others were congregating in small groups chatting and laughing. and there i was, by myself, lost and confused, desperately just wanting to find the book i was looking for, so i could purchase it and leave. and as i could see and hear people enjoying one another's company, i felt completely invisible and insignificant. i felt like a solitary ghost passing through the racks, as the living, oblivious to my presence, experienced the comfort of companionship and the joy of a shared experience.

i never did find the book for which i was looking and ended up getting a different one. when i was paying for it, the guy at the sales counter turned the book over a few times, seemingly admiring it as perhaps a purchase he would like to make someday. he looked and me and said, "it's funny how i've never noticed that we even had this book in stock." at that moment i felt the book and i had something in common -- both of us unnoticed and unseen by the world around us.

at least the book had now been taken from it's lonely perch and presently has a home where it will be valued and appreciated. i have no idea when or even if i will experience the same.

there was a time . . . ?

there was a time, i'm sure of it, when i felt good about my life.

there was a time, i recall, when i felt good about my life.

there was a time, i think, when i felt good about my life.

there was a time, i believe, when i felt good about my life.

there was a time, perhaps, when i felt good about my life.

was there a time when i felt good about my life?

drowning in doubt

it appears i'm going through another period in my life when everything i do, everything about me feels like a complete and utter failure. at every moment, from every quarter of my life the messages seem to come that i am not enough, never have been, never will be. you can fill in the space "not" and "enough" with whatever you wish and it likely will apply to a feeling of inadequacy i've had of late, but here's a sampling of some of the words that come immediately to mind for me: smart, attractive, sane, capable, strong, stable, supportive.... i'm sure there's more but i'm too tired to think go on.

sadly, i've been in this place more than a few times before. i imagine this won't be the last time i'm ever here again. i guess the strangest thing is that when i'm in this place, i can't ever imagine a time that i have not been here or a time that i will move on from it to a better place. i guess that's the very definition of doubt and i'm drowning in it.

not my best day

this was not my best day. i left the office at about noon. the early leaving was precipitated by having just one too many discussions about how fucked up our organization is right now. the problem is not so much that there are organizational problems (every company has a certain level of dysfunction). the issue continues to be that while i am normally an organized, responsible individual, the work is becoming anything but that and yet i'm put in positions where i'm asked to manage the problematic dynamics that have been created by others.

anyway, i left the office, climbed in my car, drove home, walked immediately upstairs to my bedroom, stripped out of all of my clothes, put on my pjs and climbed into bed. i took half of a lorazapem (my new anti-anxiety medicine) and took a nap. now i sit here on my living room sofa, typing out this entry.

when i left i wasn't sure if i was actually ever going back to work. i wasn't sure if i would ever leave this house again or if i did so it would likely be under someone else's power. i have felt so utterly alone in all of this stuff for so long. people tell me it is challenging to deal with me in this state. it feels as if they distance themselves from me as a result (related side note: i got a text greeting from a friend this morning wishing me a happy day. i wrote back that i had just been sitting at my kitchen counter wondering why everything in my life felt so broken. i thought it was a strange juxtaposition. he's yet to respond to my comment). i don't know how to manage any of that.

perhaps if i were well, i would be able to handle all of this, but a read of this blog over the past year plus will show that i am far from well and this brokenness seems incapable of being healed. as i wrote the other day, it feels as if my life is killing me and i am experiencing a slow, unrecognized death. still lost, still alone, still invisible.

moments of late

i've had moments of late where it feels as if my life is killing me, and i'm afraid no one will notice until it's too late.

a hint

i'm coming off a pretty good week. went to a great conference. learned quite a bit. met wonderful people and had great conversations. ate some really wonderful food and the weather was as lovely as spring gets. my new meds seem to be doing a better job at stabilizing my mood. i'm still taking my lumps at work (as experienced as recently as yesterday), but i'm managing to not be completely devastated by what i feel are the seemingly endless setbacks that keep occurring.

today was a pretty good day as well. had some nice online chats. got in a 2 hour nap. watched a fun and vibrant kylie concert video (that descriptor seems almost redundant really). had some of my favorite comfort foods today.

yet, even with all of that, there's a hint of melancholy in the air. and i can tell that it is born of actual sadness about something that continues to be missing from my life rather than from the depression that stems from my ongoing issues with an uncooperative brain chemistry.

what's strange is i was going to write that i miss being in love, but if truth be told, i think the more accurate descriptor is that i miss love period -- that almost palpable feeling that you are deeply cared for and about, that you have a cherished place in people's hearts and a welcomed place in this world. it has been so long since i've experienced this state of being in any real and tangible way that i question if it is something that i miss being present or something that i truly wish to experience for the first time.

i wonder if that questioning arises from the fact that for every affirming experience of love and relationship i've had in my life there are deeper, more painful experiences that i've had that undermine or even almost completely eradicate the positive ones? or is it just that i've not had enough of the positive ones to provide a sense that love is enduring and lasting, that it's not something that will not be present when you need it most or that exists in other people's lives but isn't meant to be for you?

i think about a remark in a speech that i heard amy grant give many years ago. she shared that she felt the love of god is like the ocean. it's the greatest component of our world even if many of us don't see it very often. i hope she's right.

it has at times felt that even the love of god is not available to me and that the love i seek here on earth will be forever beyond my grasp. and if that is indeed the case, then, truly, what am i still doing here?

hmm, maybe it's more than a hint....