reevaluating

love is a wonderful thing. it can cause you to see the best in everything and everyone, most especially, the individual that is the object of your affection. what's interesting is when your love for that individual changes. the question becomes is your view of the individual now obscured or even distorted by the new feelings or is the absence of that love causing you to see more clearly what was there all along? can't say that i know the answer, but what i do know is that, after a few emails from my ex, i keep wondering why i stayed with him so long. this is such not a fun time.

muddling through

am i ever tired. i've been having difficulty sleeping and so have had to resort to ambien to assist me in getting to sleep. but my fatigue is really not as much physical as it is emotional. i'm a little life weary right now. beginning in october of last year, this has been a pretty difficult year, filled with unexpected changes that have really left in their wake a bounty of unknowns. right now my path heading into the future has just one big question mark over it. maybe in reality that is actually always the case for all of us, but in this period of time, i'm feeling kind of "purposeless."  i'm just trying to do my best to put one foot in front of the other as if there is actually a point to it all. you know, it seems strange that it took me so long to articulate that today is just more of the same.

my response

well i guess i found some words after all to respond to the email from my ex. it's not very polite or stoic, which i usually go for. it's raw and real. maybe i'll regret it in the morning, but it is as honest as i've ever been:

Well, if I wasn't expecting the last message, I definitely was not expecting this one. I was going to wait to respond until I had slept on this, but sleep may be a problem tonight. Anyway, a simple question came to mind as my most gut level response. Exactly, how many more opportunities do you want to break my heart? I'm sure there are a few more pieces left that you could shatter. I'm glad that you can move on to someone else. I'm not sure I have it in me anymore to know who or what I can trust. So I encourage you to find someone you can love who would likely be better for you than I could ever be. At least one of us might have some hope for happiness. Please don't write me back about this again.

i'm so tired. 

resolve

another email from my ex. this one about how he wants to try again. it was long and dramatic, part robert ludlum, part danielle steele. it spoke of how he was going to be aggressively seeking to meet someone else, but he didn't really want to. it ended with a plea that began, "please stop things before it is too late, please don't let me move to a step that cannot be taken back!"

and see that's the difference between us now. i long for this to go to a step that cannot be taken back. unfortunately, i'm also in this place of being so acutely aware of the brokenness and hurt that exists within me because of this relationship that i seriously question if i have not been irreparably damaged by it. my recent attempts at putting myself out there, as it were, seem to have just returned huge disappointment, making me question if what i hope for is even possible given what there is to work with -- namely me.

i am this mass of pained emotion that even the simplest of slights strikes me deep in my heart. today, someone i regarded well and considered to be a good person did something that for him was likely just a playful joke. for me it struck right at the core of this place of hurt, causing my heart to bleed out afresh. as with most things it's not what happened that hurt but what it seemed to be representative of. my  life seems to be filled with disappointments when it comes to men. it's a wonder (or maybe even a cruel cosmic joke) that i'm gay. being such seems to just set me up for repeated opportunities of rejection and hurt by the male of the species.

well, i haven't responded to the email. i imagine it would be too difficult with my eyes filled with tears and my fingers shaking with rage and all (it's been difficult enough writing this entry). i'll try to get a response out tomorrow i suppose. i'm not sure why i care to. i'm not sure of a whole lot these days.

in need of adjustment

the past week has been a busy one -- both in terms of activity and range of emotions I've experienced. my trip out west was very promising with additional concrete steps having been taken to make the new job opportunity a reality. if all goes according to plan, i will be starting a new job in a new location around mid-August. 

the strange thing about this job is it is literally an opportunity that exceeds my greatest expectations. with it i will achieve a position more significant than any i've held in my career in a leading organization that i have long admired (since it's inception in fact). the organization is located in a city that is progressive and greatly coveted as a place to live (in fact, whenever i've mentioned this place to anyone, they always remark on how wonderful it is). and yet, while i was sitting in the corporate office of my once and future boss, reviewing the particulars of the job and the work ahead, and staring out her window at the expansive landscape before me, i was confronted with the reality all that was happening. and in all candor, the initial excitement morphed into a mild state of panic. it all seemed so big -- the job,  the relocation, the beginning of yet another new chapter in my life -- and as i looked into a distance that went of for miles and miles, i felt so small and inadequate to deal with all that was coming at me.

now to be fair, i've felt a little like that with every new opportunity. actually, i think it's the way that i know i'm doing something that will result in growth and is likely exactly what i need at whatever point in my life the opportunity occurs. still, all of this happening on the heels of the disappointment with the redirection of the developing relationship with my new friend may have not been the best combination of events.

from that disappointment, it became clear how much i desire an intimate, love relationship in my life. it also exposed the pain and fragility that i'm still experiencing over the break-up of my last relationship and the uncertainties that i'm feeling on how to move forward in that area of life -- not to mention the fear of being alone from this point on. 

and i guess that is the crux of it all. i feel quite alone and vulnerable in the midst of all of this, and as much as i recognize that i need to be strong and confident and to recognize that i am indeed capable of mastering the situation, all i really want is to have someone to hold me, kiss me on my forehead, and tell me that it will be all right.

another musical interlude

i'm getting ready to depart on a trip that will likely keep me busy, so here's a song to occupy the time until my next entry. i've been in a george michael mood of late, and this song, in particular, has been in heavy rotation. it's a fun song with a message that's resonating somewhere deep for reasons i'm not entirely certain. maybe it's hitting home because it deals with wanting to break free from constraints that exist on one's life. funny because this trip is in part about moving further down the road of starting over (yet again) in a new job in a new locale. anyway, here's the song with it's kick ass video (one of my favorites from the era -- as always click on the title):

freedom90 by george michael

a weekend moment

well, i'm back from a nice holiday weekend visit to my dear friend robin. it was a weekend away that was sorely needed even if i didn't realize how much until after it was over. you know, sometimes in life you have to just stop and drink in a particularly sweet moment. there were a few such moments this weekend, but there is one that stands out. it involved sitting on a restaurant's outdoor patio, fun banter and conversation with friends old and new, live music playing in the background, a blue sky and lowering sun, and a mojito followed by some sangria. there have been many events that have happened in the last year, but somehow i know that this moment is one of the few that will remain with me in the years to come. so thank you to robin, dawn, susannah, ed, and andi for welcoming me into your fold and giving me a time to remember.