a morning text

sent this a.m. to a friend:

hey. hope your thursday is going well. people tell me it's a new year but it feels pretty much the same to me. and so begins 2015.

no happy new year here

as the last moments of 2014 prepare to fade into memory, i lie here in bed feeling as if my spirit has been crushed by the events of this year. it just seems that 2014 has irreparably broken my spirit and all meaning for my life has drained out of the cracks. i do not look forward to 2015. i don't know how  to or why i should.

more echoes

it's been a little while since i wrote an entry in this blog. the day before christmas eve was the last time i attempted to write something herein. and truth be told, not a whole lot has happened in the interim. my days have been uneventful save for my spending a considerable amount of time chatting with a few friends old and new online.

i'd been managing ok emotionally until last night. that's when the inevitable moment of questioning and doubt came to the fore.

it has been nice to chat online. i've had a feeling that i may even be forging actual friendships with a few guys. then last night i finished a conversation and headed up to bed. the house was dark and of course i was alone. it was at that moment that i felt a deep sense of emptiness in both my home and my heart. i would swear that if i spoke aloud i am sure i would have heard an echo in both places.

then the thought came to me that it may be all well and good to talk with guys virtually, but at the end of the day, i climb into a cold and empty bed with no one to tell me that i am special and that i am loved. and with that thought, the questioning of the validity of all of my experiences over the past couple of weeks poured over me. was i just kidding myself that these guys thought anything more of me than as someone to talk and flirt with? was i again experiencing, as i have with other guys in the same venues, the dynamic of being a nice plaything that they could turn on and off with the push of a button on their computers? no one real. no one substantive. just a ghost in the machine meant for their adoration and gratification.

with all of that swirling through my head, climbing into that cold, empty bed was more difficult than usual. climbing out of it this morning was even more challenging.

fragmenting

my self-esteem seems to be crumbling again. i feel less of who i used to be, an increasing sense of regret at who i, and a dread filled uncertainty of what i am to become. this feeling of being alone in a life where no one sees me or knows me or wants me continues to grow. it has not been a good year. i have oft repeated that phrase through this blog. this is one of those dark nights where i feel my sanity is fragmenting, breaking apart into pieces that cannot seem coalesce again into any sense of coherent thought or rational perspective. all is see is sadness, loss, despair, and isolation. it feels as if it's all i've ever seen and all i've ever known.

it's been a bumpy road

it's almost mid-day of the last week i likely will be spending in this office this calendar year. with the family memorial for my friend and work colleague scheduled for monday morning, i don't anticipate coming back into the office following that event. so save for some meetings this afternoon, i am at the end of my work experience for 2014.

so how do i feel at this time? before going into all of that, i feel i need to note, as should not be a surprise to anyone who has read more than this specific entry on this blog, it has been a very, very tough year. the pacing of my work and the sheer volume of it has increased tremendously. i'm still amazed with the variety of topics and issues i cover over the course of a work day. another dynamic that has emerged is the shifting tenor of the work environment from a more collegial, inclusive one to a more insular, directive one. we haven't made this change entirely and i'm not sure if we will. my hope is that not only does this trend stop but that it actually reverses. we shall see if my hope is fulfilled.

so what does all of this mean about how i'm feeling? well, i still enjoy my job and the body of work for which i am accountable. this being stated, i am becoming increasingly frustrated with the context in which i do this work. if things do not change (the aforementioned reversal of trend) then i'm not sure i will be able to remain here and continue to feel good about what i do and who i am. if i get to that point then it will be time to plan for my exit. a factor that also contributes to my evaluation is the fact that while i really like where i live, i am not happy here. with no relationships outside of the work setting, the sense of isolation has become both deep and pervasive as has my depression. i can't see staying here in a job i don't like anymore with my being so unhappy outside of work.

so how and when will i decide what i'm going to do? well, as a result of some leadership coaching work, i've scheduled one day each month in 2015 that i call my "taking stock" day. on these particular days, i will take an hour or so and just think through what is happening with respect to my work and the organization and make a determination of how i need to move forward. based on certain events that will be happening in the first quarter, i don't think it will take to many taking stock days before i know whether i will be looking to stay or to leave.

in the meantime, i'm just hopeful that some more positive signs and circumstances are headed my way soon in 2015. i'm not sure i will survive another year like this one.

not enough to be real

got home late last night after a very full day and then dinner with a work colleague. ending up showering and climbing into bed almost immediately after arrival. i felt achy and tired. my eyes were burning and my sinuses were in constant drainage mode. after looking for my new friend online and realizing i'd likely missed him by about 15 minutes, i took my sleep meds and drifted quickly off to slumberland.

it amazes me that i can have a complete sleep and still feel so tired. that's the state i find myself in now. i just got out of what was a deadly boring meeting and i have another coming up this afternoon. truth be told, i'm not really here anymore as in fully present in my life. i'm basically going through the motions and continuing to do my best impersonation of a living person.

i walk, i talk, i smile, and i laugh (well not as much on the latter two). i make statements, give direction, provide counsel here at work but i feel completely disassociated from the activity of life. again, it's like i'm occupying the space but not fully embodied in it.

for some reason the thought of the story of the velveteen rabbit came to mind. for those unfamiliar with the story, the brief synopsis is it's the story of a stuffed rabbit who becomes a real rabbit due to the love of his owner. the thought i was having is that if love makes us "real" maybe my experience now is that there is not enough love tangible and present in my life to make me feel as if i am truly, fully, completely alive.

and so the day goes. and so my "life" continues.

emptied out

it feels as if i really have nothing more to give. sad, alone, lost. that's how i have felt for much of this year and how i feel still. is this all there is?