dead inside (again)

there are times when i sit down to write in this blog that i'm not exactly sure what i'm going to write about. it's at those times that i just ask myself one basic question, "well, how are you feeling right now?" as is probably obvious from this entry's title, the answer to this question is i'm not really feeling anything.

this is a phenomenon that i am not unaccustomed to. after particularly intense emotional periods, i go through a phase in which my feeling receptors are down for the count. i liken this particular experience to the scenario of keeping your hand on an open burner of a stove. if one were even able to keep his/her hand in place, the individual would find that either he/she would eventually pass out from the pain or the nerve endings in the hand would be destroyed and he/she would no longer feel anything. both reactions are a sign of a simple fact. the body will endure so much pain before it shuts down.  the same is as true for mental anguish as it is for physical pain.

this past weekend was a time of pretty significant mental assault as i struggled with many difficult and, at times, even conflicting emotions. by the time, i went to bed last night, i felt like i had run a marathon -- on my knees. i had hoped i would awaken in a better frame of mind. i did not.

as i've stated before, my relationship with michael has provided me with a few opportunities to know what the break-up experience is like (quick aside: i'm wondering if i should start making this a drinking game? every time i mention or allude to the fact that michael and i have broken up multiple times, you get to take a shot of your favorite drink). as a result, what i am experiencing is by no means novel. as i've also shared before, that fact doesn't make it any easier.

in fact, this time seems to be the hardest of all. i'm older, in an area where i don't have any friends, in a job that requires more of my attention, engagement and energy than at any time in my career (and by the way, i'm getting even more accountability and responsibility heading my way after the first of the year), and i have no clue as to what i even want from life. this is not a recipe for encouragement or optimism.

hmm, i've been staring at the wall for the last few minutes between typing the last sentence and this one, thinking facetiously that maybe i should have entitled this entry, "my life is so f***ed!" and just when i thought maybe i was done feeling anything for awhile, i am and it's not good. i guess there are a few nerve endings still working. for now.