i did this to myself

one of the most challenging realities to deal with post-relationship break-up is that, if you were the instigator of said break-up (as i have been multiple times -- ok that's a shot for you -- please refer to yesterday's blog entry if you are clueless about that reference), you come to realize that you are the cause of the sadness and depression with which you are currently struggling. now i'm sure that there are people who feel more relief or happiness or ecstasy after breaking up with someone, but that has not been my experience at all.

in my particular case, the "i did this to myself" feeling is not strictly or even primarily related to the break-up itself. for me, the larger issue is that the emotion i am struggling with now has its foundation in the fact that i went back repeatedly to michael (and there's another drink), thinking somehow things would turn out differently. there are moments in fact when i question why i stayed in the relationship prior to the first break-up (yeah, go ahead and swig) as long as i did. hope springs eternal i suppose. yes, but clearly so does stupidity.

it may sound as if i'm being hard on myself (and i likely am. it's one of the things i do best). still, i've been to the this place before (ok, maybe i should have instituted the drinking game after this entry), and with each time (drink), i am even more both perplexed and annoyed that i am here. yet again (chug), i find myself dealing with feeling alone and fearful for my future prospects.

i know i've shared before that it is perhaps my obsessive focus on being in a relationship that was probably the driver to my going back again and again to michael (you know what to do), but if the days that have transpired since closing the final chapter on that relationship have revealed anything to me, it is the fact that having love in my life is important. sharing my life with someone is important. caring for and supporting someone else is important. having someone who cares, supports and believes in me is important.

hmm, i just re-read that last paragraph and while all of that may be true, reading it again made me realize one more thing. i feel so broken and vulnerable that the idea of trying again with someone scares the hell out of me. and who in the world wants something that's broken? i am unsure of my own judgement in choosing the right person, and i doubt my capability to even be a good partner. again, this does not exactly describe the kind of person who is destined for love in his life.

so here i am at christmas time. alone. again (that's one for the road). there's snow on the ground. it may look like a winter wonderland and it is indeed a beautiful sight, but i doubt i will be happy tonight (or for many to come).