when is it your turn...?

the interesting thing about creating a blog entry title is that, as the author, i'm pretty clear as to what i am making reference. it's only after typing in the title and seeing it written on the virtual page that i realize the title alone can create expectations for the reader of a completely different entry than i had in mind. i think you see where this is going.

to set the stage for today's entry, the "your" in today's title does not refer to me. it actually is a reference to another interior dialogue conversation i was having. this time it was between myself and the abstraction of two particular individuals.

following the discourse described in yesterday's entry, i ambled my way to the kitchen to make a quick meal (even though i wasn't particularly hungry given my emotional state following said discourse). well, the reflective mindset was still with me, and i began to think about s.r., who i had a texting dialogue with earlier in the evening, and an even newer friend that i was anticipating chatting with later that same night (let's call him "austin," at least for now). over the past days and weeks, i have been grateful for and enjoying both of these primarily online-based friendships. both guys are smart, witty, charming, and kind. they've both been supportive and been willing to put up with my emotional angst (i would imagine that knowing that if things got too deep one could always just turn off the computer is at least some comfort with respect to the latter).

anyway, i started thinking about and literally picturing these two guys in my mind (well, at the time, in austin's case, i was picturing what i imagined he looked like as i had not yet had the opportunity to get a visual. this was corrected later that same evening. i should probably mention now that both s.r. and austin are also pretty easy on the eyes. that's always a plus in my book even if most of your conversation takes place via instant messaging and texting). as i reflected on the nice moments i had shared with each, the contemplation took an unexpected turn. in the midst of this slight reverie, this thought came to mind, "i wonder when is it your turn to hurt me?"

while that thought coming at that particular moment was "unexpected," it was not at all surprising. the moment served as a reminder of what i tend to think of as both an unfortunate aspect of my psyche and a cosmic situational irony. it's a simple fact that while i have spent years coming to an acceptance of my identity as a gay man and have embraced that i desire emotional and physical intimacy with men, the fact still remains that in my heart, i really (really) struggle with trusting other men.

years of previous therapy have helped me learn that the source of this lack of trust is the fact that my father was never a part of my life. because of that lack of relationship, every other relationship i have with a male of the species, it could be a friendship, dating relationship, or, as in michael's case, a life partnership, is shadowed by the expectation that one day sooner or later this guy will hurt me deeply because that's what men who are supposed to care about you and love you do. they hurt you and then they leave, often never to return.

you know what's funny is i've shared this area of brokenness in me with the various guys who have been in my life (i even shared it with austin that same night and i imagine i will likely steer s.r. to this particular entry to share it with him as well). to a person each of them has encouraged me to be open and to trust them (in fact, just the words "you can trust me" often makes me weepy) and it's after i have that almost to a person the moment i dread happens and my heart breaks just a little bit more (sometimes A LOT bit more).

i think i should take this point to clarify at least one point. never, ever do i believe that any guy that i know or have known has intentionally set out to hurt me. in the same way that i know i have hurt people and it was not at all my intention to do so. in fact, it is the very last thing that i (and i imagine they) would ever want to do.

i guess at the heart of it, even with therapy, i still do harbor some remnants of the hurtful conclusion that i reached as a child. if my father left, never to see me again (save that one memory i recounted in the entry am i my father's son?) then, well, there must be something deeply wrong with me. i must be flawed or broken in some way that caused him to leave and not want to see me again.

now, you can tell me that the problem was not mine, it was his and i will agree with you. as with so many other perspectives i've shared over the course of this past week, my logical, rational mind will agree. i'm not sure that i will ever reach the point though that i will believe it completely. we all have our issues to work with and through and this is one of mine.

i guess the fact is that if i carry even the tiniest sense that there is something so wrong with me that it resulted in the man that had a pivotal role in creating me and bringing me into this world to reject me,  then it really shouldn't be a surprise to me that i carry the fear that no man will really ever want me. s.r. has often shared with me that fear is never a good thing and should not be listened to. again, i agree -- with my head.