sick day

as tends to happen, my emotional angst has now taken physical form, and i am out on a sick day today. in the first two years i've been with this organization, i didn't take a single day off for illness (though, in all honesty, there have been days that i could have but still managed to will myself in to the office because of some meeting or project that needed my attention). unfortunately, as can be gathered from this past week's entry, neither the spirit or the flesh are willing to do much more than lie in my bed and see if that leads to some semblance of recovery.

last night in particular was a very challenging evening. i struggled through a chat with s.r. as he attempted to be rational and reassuring about what i was experiencing, and i was anything but (i have to admit i am impressed given his own condition post-holiday party enjoyment). he tried valiantly. and while i appreciate the effort, i'm afraid there has been no discernible improvement in my disposition (and on top of it i had severe stomach issues for much of the night).

"things will get better" is the reassurance that s.r. and others have given me. the problem is from where i sit today, in at least one fundamental area of my life, things haven't gotten better. for years i hoped for a positive, affirming, healthy, intimate, loving relationship. i got a relationship, but at it's core it was none of those things for me. and twelve years later, the desire remains the same, but my belief and optimism about its prospects for being fulfilled in my life have all but diminished.

so on that note, it's time to pop another pepto tablet, crawl back under the covers, pull them over my head and see if more sleep can do what encouragement and advice have failed to accomplish. someone wake me up when my life is better.