the multiplier effect

today is really, really not a good day. i forget the kind of multiplier effect a deep depression has on my emotions. any disappointment that under normal emotional circumstances would be remedied and moved past with a night's sleep not only remains but echoes deeply in the heart. any perceived slight becomes a significant indictment on my value as a friend, my potential as being special to someone else, my worth as a human being.

[a quick aside: interestingly enough, depression doesn't have the same magnification dynamic with good or positive moments. in fact it tends to mute or mitigate them -- like a black hole bending and absorbing any light that enters into it. not that i've had many positive moments in the last few weeks. then again, given the diminishment that my current emotional state produces to such moments, maybe i wouldn't recognize it if i did have one.]

my experiences over the last several days have served as profound reminders of this effect. and the voices of self-doubt have been hammering away at my soul. today in particular they come, to use a familiar quote, "not as single spies but in battalions." here's a sampling of what i'm dealing with (please note that the all of the "he" references do not apply to one individual):

he's not really interested in being your friend. he's just being polite.

you gave him what he wanted and now he's done with you.

you foolishly fell for lines and now you've been used and discarded.

he never intended to meet up with you.

he's just distancing himself from you, hoping you will finally catch the hint and stop bothering him.

you're broken, what guy would want to be your friend?

just give up already

the voices aren't new. i've dealt with them many times before and likely will continue to do so in other times to come. but again, just because something is not new doesn't mean it's still not really difficult. i still want to scream and cry and find a dark room and curl up and wish the world would go away -- wish i could go away. i don't want to talk with or deal with anyone. and as i'm sure i've recounted on this blog, my natural instinct in this kind of situation is to disconnect from what my heart perceives as the sources of pain. but i keep trying to lean in, desperately hoping to prove that the voices are wrong.

but, today, i know that i'm losing that mental debate. today, i feel the "voices" are spot on and that i am a stupid little boy who foolishly believes that life is good, that love is there for me, that i can ever be happy despite all of the "evidence" to the contrary.

each day i feel like my soul is fracturing and the sad thing is i don't know if i want to pull back together or just completely fall apart. but i continue to dissemble for those around me (even in this recent moment as my assistant came in to ask me some questions and catch up a bit. i smiled and laughed even if the smile had no more to it then the movement of facial muscles and the laughter just reverberated through the emptiness that i feel inside). i'm truly not sure how long i can continue to do it though.

i would say that i need a change but that phrase just reminds me of a particular moment that was nice. a moment that i thought i connected with another human soul. a moment that i now question if it was real or illusory, true or delusional, promise or passing. i don't know anymore. i just don't know.