crawling towards christmas

i've made no secret over the past couple of weeks that i'm really struggling this holiday season. i know the reason for said struggle is that i'm despondent and depressed and that runs so counter to how everyone at least attempts to act in this season of hope and joy. i also believe the reason is that i have always loved christmas and have gotten way into it over the years. so to feel the way i do at what has been traditionally been my favorite time of years makes this whole experience even more painful.

i woke up this morning feeling less than perky. actually, i felt like i'd been run over by a truck, dragged for six blocks over broken glass and then thrown in a briar patch filled with rattlesnakes. or as i put it to a friend, "it feels like i have a hangover without all the fun stuff beforehand." the worst part was that i needed to get up and get some provisions from the grocery store cause the cupboards were getting bare. now i hate going grocery shopping when i'm feeling hale and hearty. this i knew was going to be challenging. but off i went.

when i got there, i noticed the florist section was filled with all kinds of christmas greenery. i've been debating whether i wanted to go through the bother of decorating this season with usually the con side winning, but this time i thought i'd just go take a quick look see in case maybe i'd see something i liked and be inspired. well, as it turns out, there were a few things i liked, and before i knew it, half my cart was filled with centerpieces, flowers, and even a little cypress christmas tree that came with tiny lights and some ornaments. i thought, "that's a beginning."

when i got back home and all the groceries were put away. i went down to the storage area in my garage and found my collection of christmas music (over 80 cd's -- i told you i got way into christmas) and movies (only about a dozen or so of my all time favorites). i brought them upstairs and set them on the counter next to the floral decorations. and then i thought, "well that's another step."

and then fatigue and a wave of sadness swept over me. as much as i have loved christmas, it was always a problematic time for me and the former spousal unit. as much as i leaned into the spirit of the season, he seemed to distance himself from it. as you can imagine, this was the cause of much tension in our household. it was strange. he never was all that interested in the lead up to christmas but once the day arrived then he didn't want that one day to end. memories of all those christmases past really suck the life out of me. and this time was no different.

so here i am in bed again. i am hoping that some additional rest for this weary mind and soul will result in my getting a little more motivation. maybe before the weekend is out, i'll hang a wreath on the door. i'm not setting my sites on anything much more. as the saying goes, "you have to crawl before you can walk."