this is one of those really slow moving kind of weeks. one of those weeks where you wake up (as i did this morning) and think, "omg! i can't believe it's only wednesday!" but they call wednesday "hump" day for a reason. at least i think the reason is that it's the pivotal day of the work week where once you get past it, it's a more rapid downhill coast to (and unfortunately through) the weekend.
i've actually been feeling that kind of feeling that time is plodding along at much too slow a pace this entire holiday season. some days it feels like the very air is made of molasses and that even my simple movements from place to place are happening in slow motion.
what's interesting about experiencing this particular phenomenon is it pretty much puts me in tune with the spirit of the season. well, the spirit that is shared by the youngest members of our population. i'm sure you remember the feeling as a child of it seeming to take forever for it to be december 25th or for chanukah or kwanza or diwali or whatever your main seasonal celebration is to arrive. many children right now are experiencing this same type of tortuously slow march (for them to their favorite moment of the year) as i am. the difference is that, in my case, i'm just wanting this season to pass quickly because there is nothing more challenging than being sad and alone at a time when everyone expects you to be happy and celebratory.
with that thought in mind, there is a specific challenge i've been experiencing this year. since i tend to be a somewhat private person, i haven't really told many folks that michael and i are no longer together (i also don't particularly feel like reminding people that we have broken up yet again ... and yes, go ahead and have some libation, but that's going to be it for this particular entry). however, i'm also not one to avoid the truth, so i've had to deal with people asking me what i'm doing for the holidays, usually in the form of, "are you going to st. louis?" the worst part is they inquire with this joyful countenance filled with the anticipation of the reuniting of two lovers at this "most wonderful time of year." and then i get to make like the grinch and tell them not only will i not be going to st. louis for the holidays, i won't be going back to st. louis to see michael ever ("like ever" to quote a lyric from a recently posted song). and invariably the look that comes across their faces is as if i told them, "oh, there isn't going to be a christmas this year!"
another difference that i have from the dear little rugrats is that i have to get past not one but two humps this season -- christmas is one thing, but for adults who are alone, new year's eve is a whole 'nother issue. now, i've not been a big new year's person, even when coupled, yet somehow, when de-coupled, it looms like this occasion that seems to exist solely to mock my singlehood. "you thought you felt alone before," says the spirit of the evening, "wait until you get an eyeful of all of those folks that are celebrating with someone on tv, and you just know i'm going to make sure that they focus the cameras on the couples that are kissing at midnight (cue maniacal laughter)." i think this year may call for actual alcohol rather than the sparkling grape juice that i usually get. maybe i can get so intoxicated that i either am completely anesthetized from feeling anything or i fall asleep prior to midnight and awaken in the morning. sure there may be some side effects to deal with, but some sacrifices have to be made in the name of avoiding painful emotional experiences.
who knows? maybe things will get better (though i literally just got some unfortunate news that have quashed my tentative travel plans for january, which means "happy" f***ing birthday to me, so maybe not). well, it looks like this winter rather than this holiday season may be my gauntlet to get through. anyone, want to take a wager on the spring?
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