admittedly, i am somewhat of a recluse (though i prefer the term homebody). i tend to think my need for engagement with other people is pretty minimal. that is until i am reminded of some of the special gifts that human interaction can provide.
as recounted in more than a few recent entries, i've been busily engaged in an online community in which chat rooms are one of the components. now, i have to admit that i tend to participate in this aspect of this particular site more fully than most of the members, i.e., i tend to use complete sentences to express actual thoughts. still i've managed to find at least a few other kindred souls with whom to while away the time.
in recent conversations with two of them, i've found myself exploring some of the complexities of life and particularly love. and this is where i've been reminded of one of those "special gifts." sharing who we are with people is a sacred and privileged experience that needs to be cherished. it's also during these times that i've found one can come to realize aspects of one's self that either you didn't realize was there or thought might have been lost. such was the case for me in these conversations.
as i read some pretty somber commentary on love from both individuals, i found myself responding that a love relationship was still important to me and that despite what may seem like evidence of its futility, it was still something that i deeply desired for myself and for them. it's from that revelation that somewhere still inside of me is the belief that i have not given up on having that special love in my life that i recognized another reality about myself.
i think that my own despondency about finding love is not based on doubt but fear. it's not that i don't believe love is important or special or even possible. it's i'm afraid that i might have missed out on my opportunity to experience it fully in my life. and if so what does that mean for the character of the rest of my life? in all honesty i'm not quite yet sure how helpful this new awareness is going to be, but when i think about fear and love, i am reminded of a favorite bit of scripture (hey, my formal faith practice may be on hiatus, but that doesn't mean that i still can't be informed by it). it's 1 John 4:18 and states,
"there is no fear in love. but perfect love casts out all fear . . . ."
now, i know i'm not holding out for perfect love. i'll settle for really darn great!
added note: i'm listening to a jason mraz cd, and, ironically enough, this song came on as i got to the perfect love part. if asked to describe "perfect love" it would be a great response. have a listen (and speaking of perfect love, jason, if you decide that marriage, and being straight for that matter, are not your thing after all, please give me a call).
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