did someone order a paradox?

if so you're in luck because it appears your order is in.

there was a specific moment yesterday when i became so acutely aware of my hunger for physical and emotional intimacy, it was as if the revelation was a psychic explosion that blew a crater-sized hole through the center of my heart. as i pondered the emotional devastation on the plane ride home, i was struck with two thoughts:

i feel so completely alone.

so, in this moment of loneliness, you have decided to walk away from the one intimate relationship that has been your only viable prospect for coping with said loneliness possibly condemning you to a life of complete and utter isolation.

a quick google search reveals that one definition of a paradox is "a statement or proposition that, despite sound (or apparently sound) reasoning from acceptable premises, leads to a conclusion that seems senseless, logically unacceptable, or self-contradictory." on the face of it, my two thoughts taken together seem to fit the proverbial bill of this definition.

needless to say, this was not a particularly enjoyable day in my week thus far. upon further reflection and discussion with a friend and work colleague, who herself had a long-term relationship end in divorce, an additional fact emerged that meets another definition i found of the paradox, being, "something (such as a situation) that is made up of two opposite things that seem impossible but is actually true or possible."

what was that additional fact? the reality that, while i may have been in the form of an intimate relationship with michael, i was actually as alone in the relationship as i would have been without it. in fact, my hunger for intimacy actually was the result of having been on a "starvation diet" in the midst of the relationship rather than resulting from the termination of said relationship.

i mentioned in an entry earlier this week that i may have surprised, shocked and/or even disappointed a friend with a nascent developing different outlook on coupling. simply stated that outlook is that i no longer trust the belief that being in a marital-like, monogamous relationship will meet my desire for love and connection. actually, even more simply stated, at this point the prospect of being in another such relationship makes me sick to my stomach.

now i will allow that a reasonable argument against this new perspective is that i've only experienced one such relationship. just because it was not the right one doesn't mean that the whole concept is invalid. however, as i also shared with my friend over pizza and margaritas, i haven't said that that particular form of relationship is in of itself wrong. i'm just thinking it may be wrong for me.

the only problem that remains is, after 48 years of having been formed and encouraged to believe that this relationship construct is what i so desperately needed to have a fulfilling life, i'm finding it more than a little difficult to dislodge that particular perspective from my mental map. even moreso, i'm worried that once removed will i be able to fill the hole it leaves behind.