having something

yesterday, i wrote that one of the matters that has been the source of some pain and sadness is the fact that i repeatedly went back to a relationship that ultimately was not a good one for me. at various times i've expressed mystification as to how something like that happened. on christmas day i came face to face with a chilling thought that made me realize pretty much exactly how something like that happens.

i'm not exactly sure what brought the thought on. i know i was moving about the house doing various random tasks, and for some reason, the thought came to me about having spent last christmas in st. louis with michael and spending this christmas alone and then this feeling of a deep longing and desire for connection filled me. and then this unhappy realization came to mind, "i have no idea when or if this desire will ever be fulfilled again." being brought into a such close proximity to that reality opened me up to yet another thought, "no wonder i kept going back to michael. at this particular moment, having something, no matter how dysfunctional, seems better than a potential lifetime of nothing."

now let me take a brief break from my own personal angst to make one brief clarification. there are many people in this world who not only survive but thrive without a companion, significant other, spouse, what have you. my statements about said desire for a loving relationship and the need for it in my life are solely about me and should not be inferred to be making some statement about life in general. i say all of this to state that it drives me crazy when people assume that the only way everyone can be happy is to be with someone else. my perspective about this need is for my life only.

now with that being stated, who knows? more of life may even change my perspective on this need for me. while a change in perspective would certainly ease the pain, i think i would prefer the companionship. and while having something may have driven me back to a relationship, let's hope i can keep firmly in mind that not having the right something is what sent me right back out again. after all, i'm not getting any younger.