i want to be that person again

i am pleased to report that, for the most part, christmas day went pretty well. i was in fairly good spirits most of the day. i think it helped that i had a little meal to prepare, some gifts to open, and a doctor who marathon to watch. all held my focus and kept my mind from wandering. but as the marathon ended (well my portion of it; they started rerunning the programming at about 8:30 pm) and the evening went on my spirits progressively sagged.

there were a couple of interesting moments though that bear reflection here. one is the topic of today's entry. the other will be tomorrow's. with this first moment, it occurred as i was in the midst of the marathon but wasn't related to one of the episodes. it actually occurred during one of the commercials.

those of you in the u.s. may have seen this particular commercial. it was a holiday commercial from ikea that shows a woman doing a variety of seemingly random acts around her home -- cutting some flowers, moving a plate, stretching in a chair. it's only later that we realize that these were her  thoughtful preparations for a holiday gathering -- each act reflecting the care she puts into ensuring that her guests have the ideal holiday experience.

the commercial played several times over the course of my watching the marathon (six and a half hours of pure doctor who bliss -- farewell matt smith; we shall miss you), and upon one showing i was reminded of a time in my life when i used to host various parties and get togethers. i took a similar approach to ensuring that i had prepared for every eventuality all with the intention of providing a great time for my friends. "i used to be that person," i thought. and with that, for a brief moment at least, the feeling of, "i want to be that person again" came to me. and with that, the first of a few revelations came to me.

"if that's true," the revelation began, "then there is no way you could be with michael." you see all of that hosting desire went out the window as my relationship with michael developed. without going into too much detail (primarily because i'd rather not relive it), my experience with michael made every aspect of hosting a gathering, from the preparation to the execution to the aftermath, a stressful experience. after a time, i just took the attitude that it was not worth it. and with that reminder, i received the most significant epiphany of all -- when a relationship prevents you from being who you want to be then it's time to move on from that relationship.

above all of the other major issues that existed, the lack of support i received from michael in being who i felt called to be was the fundamental problem with our relationship. and that lack of support extended to both professional and personal dimensions of my life. while (for the most part) never actively opposing me in certain aspects of living my life, he was rarely if ever supportive of the choices i wanted to make. my career, for instance, has developed in ways that i actually only ever dreamed would be possible with the potential to go even further. none of it has happened with any support or encouragement from michael. that realization makes me sad for two reasons. one that i had a partner whose love could not extend to desiring and championing the best for me and two that i not only stayed with him as long as i did with those conditions, but i repeatedly went back to him instead of moving on. all that time wasted never to be reclaimed.

actually, there is a third sadness that came to me within my reflections on the ikea commercial yesterday. though the thought of "i want to be that person again" came to me, i don't believe i can do it alone. in addition to the fact that said career is far more time and energy consuming than during the period i was the "host with the most," i lack the energy and resolve to pursue that as a single person. i somehow feel a need to have someone encouraging me on in my efforts. someone who says that what i do matters to him and the people around me. someone who understands me and wants me to be the best me that i can and expresses that support not just in words but in deed as well.

those are all nice thoughts, but with the recognition that i spent 12 years (off and on) with someone and didn't get that kind of love and support and that life holds no guarantees that i will ever have that, it's not a wonder that i am again pretty weepy and i suspect i won't be moving very far from my bed today.