over the last few days i've been experiencing a pretty perplexing phenomenon. since moving west, i have not had a chance to develop friendships in my current locale. as a result, many of my newest friends have been met via the internet and our relationships have relied on such means as instant messaging for their continuance and development. this seems to have worked pretty well, but this week in particular, i've been encountering a strange development.
i'm having online conversations that seem labored and convoluted. there are long gaps of time between messages and confused meanings. and some conversations just seem to end. no farewells or wishes for a good night. just a question or declaration from me and no further response from the other party for the remainder of the evening. given that i'm a personality type that likes closure, this last situation has been very frustrating. i feel like i'm communicating, but i'm not connecting.
there's a part of me that wonders if maybe the phenomenon is not necessarily new, but my reactions to it are what have changed. i have been feeling a stronger and stronger need for connection as the days have gone by. and so when something happens that suggests that the connection is not being established, then maybe i find this situation more untenable than i would under other circumstances.
it feels like i'm walking through life right now with this invisible barrier surrounding me that prevents a full connection between me and the world that surrounds me. what is perhaps stranger is that my reaction is to want to withdraw even more from people. attempting to connect and not doing so becomes ever more fatiguing and emotionally painful and the temptation is to just question if it's even worth it. it's just a steady slide down from there to start questioning if anything is really worth it and well that's the reason i'm typing this entry in my bed ready to pull the covers over my head and call it a day.
people keep saying it will get better. every day it feels like the evidence suggests otherwise.
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