special

i have a few traditions i engage in at christmas time. one of the most enduring and enjoyable is that there are certain movies i much watch, or, well, it's just not christmas if i don't. christmas in connecticut, meet me in st. louis, a charlie brown christmas, the polar express, and a christmas carol (preferably the george c. scott version but i've also enjoyed patrick stewart's and the classic alistair sims version as well) are all on the list of must sees.

another lesser known film that always gets a playing is a little indie called 24 nights. it's a delightful and sweet gay romantic comedy that manages to put a clever take on the conventions of that genre while also playing by the rules of a happy ending. the basic plot involves a late twentysomething guy named jonathan, a slacker who works in a gay bookstore filled with great personalities, who lost his parents at an early age, which has resulted in some challenges to his emotional maturity. this christmas jonathan writes a letter to santa asking for a boyfriend and the fun begins when a young man named toby enters to apply for a job at the bookstore. toby fits every one of jonathan's described preferred characteristics that were listed in the letter to santa and so hilarity ensues as jonathan pursues the (at first) hapless toby, a situation that is only further complicated by the growing presence of toby's boyfriend keith in jonathan's life.

last night was this season's showing of this holiday favorite of mine. i was uncertain how i would react to watching this movie this year given that it's central plot point is about finding love with that someone special. i actually did ok, laughing at (and sometimes in anticipation of) my favorite funny moments and there are many (did i mention i love this movie?). naturally, i know most of the dialogue and recited along, particularly since there were no other audience members to annoy. there's a particularly wonderful moment in the movie in which keith shares with jonathan how he first met and fell in love with toby. as part of the story, keith shares that toby went away one summer and the entire time he was gone, keith would climb into toby's backyard and bury objects that reminded keith of toby beneath a big tree. so taken by this is jonathan that he declares that he would give anything to have someone love him that much. "wouldn't we all?" is the thought that immediately came to me upon jonathan's statement of desire.

it's in that moment that i received significant clarity on one point. as much as i am going to do my best to live the perspective that i will do my best to be open to, accept and be satisfied with love in whatever form it comes to me each day, i still long to be special to someone and to have someone be special to me. i'm now pretty certain that desire will never go away; however, the challenge that continues to haunt me is trusting that i will know that experience again especially given that i'm still in the space that i feel (to reprise a lyric shared in another entry) "the only thing love ever does is break and burn and end" (thanks taylor). to want something like this so much and to have doubts it will come to pass is the very definition of hell on earth.

this morning when finishing up this week's grocery shopping, i thought again of that special moment in 24 nights and wondered about my own relationship with michael. "had i not at one time felt special in that relationship,"i asked myself, "and didn't i once have that feeling of 'specialness' about michael?" yes and yes would be the answers to both. but it was in this moment that i saw again that those feelings were from a time much earlier in our relationship and certainly were not characteristic of this last segment of our being together. when you look at the last year or so in particular, i felt as if i was anything but special to michael. i would visit after weeks of separation and you would think i had merely just gone around the corner to pick up so milk such was the level interest and engagement that i received during my visits. there were more than a few times i wondered why i had bothered making the trip at all. and with that i imagine my feelings for him eroded as well.

to be special to someone and to have someone special in your life is indeed a blessed gift. it's actually the only one i've ever really wanted this or any other christmas.