an even exchange?

yesterday, i was feeling the need for a walk. so despite the fact that the sun was going down and the temperature with it, i bundled up, grabbed my ipod and headed out the door.

though this kind of activity should be a part of of my daily routine, i tend to find that my walks most often come about due to a need to work out some tension or stress. yesterday was no different as, following a day of feeling down about my current life situation, the urge to peregrinate struck me once again.

as i was walking along my familiar path, my mind went to the last time i went for a walk. at that time i was feeling depressed about the state of my relationship with michael and likely knew that a decision was approaching about whether to continue or to end it.  it was a pretty teary journey. this time i was thinking that i was on the other side of that decision, and now i was sad about the fact that i was alone with no clear prospects for when and if that would change. so again it was a pretty teary journey with the added awareness of the fact that i had simply exchanged one sad situation for another.  the question that came to mind though was one that was consistent with other recent thoughts i've had, that being, "was it an even exchange?"

in other words, was the unhappiness i was experiencing at being alone more painful than the sadness i felt about being in a wrong relationship? part of me says, "yes," if only for the fact that when i was struggling with whether to remain in the relationship there was this little glimmer of hope (false as it may have been) that maybe things would get better. as i knew then and am experiencing now, it is difficult to let go of something you have for an unknown, uncertain future. now that i have, i'm feeling that i greatly underestimated how hard this exchange would be even though i've been to this place before.

and with that it feels like it's time for another walk.