conflicting self-images

i had another "triggering event" today. that's the term i've started using to describe an experience that sets off a cascade of painful thoughts filled with self-doubt and despair about the state of my life. these are the words that i wrote in an online chat earlier today that set the wheels in motion:

i feel like i'm in a fight for my survival and i don't think i'm winning
i've had to go to sleep early the past few nights just so i could escape my thoughts
i sometimes wonder if i really should express some thoughts
they seem to inflict their own kind of pain when i do

now it is not just the words in and of themselves that were the triggering event. it was also the context in which they happened. i shared these thoughts in kind of a monologue over about 15 minutes and then for an additional 12 minutes more there was just silence. no word from the other end. i finally decided that there was no response coming and chose instead to sign off and take a walk.

it was during that walk that i faced the same demons that have been haunting me and i've written about for months. "this is clearly not working," came one voice. "why do you keep putting yourself in  this situation to be hurt and disappointed again and again?" declared another. and on and on the thoughts came of criticism about the particular situation that then grew to broader generalities about my worth and value to others and my prospects for a better future. it was a long walk -- not just due to the distance but also as a result of the bleak outlook that was being drawn for my life.

when i got back, i discovered that my online chat companion had come on about six minutes after i signed off (which would have been 33 minutes after his last comment) to say that he would be back and that he was in the midst of doing some work around his house. i'm not sure if he had seen my previous messages or not when writing the response or if he just realized he hadn't been on in a while and wanted to send a note explaining his absence.

i should point out that i have tried to look at the entire situation as unfortunate timing. i picked the exact wrong moment to share a particular vulnerability. in pondering why i was so pained about the silence, it occurs to me that it's at those moments that i'd like to hear even the slightest words of acknowledgment that the other person hears me and that he/she cares about the struggle i'm experiencing. not hearing anything just seemed to be reaffirmation that no one really cares what i'm experiencing. that i am indeed alone in the world.

it was just bad timing i've tried to tell myself. and yet that hasn't stopped me from wondering if it isn't time to just delete the skype, silence the phone and just move on to what i have no idea but away from the pain.

debating this next step has caused me to realize i have two conflicting images of myself. one is the perspective that i tend to always want to flee from hurtful situations. throughout the course of a couple of friendships at different times in my life and particularly during my relationship with michael, i struggled with this part of me. it's seeing this self-image that makes me think, "don't be ridiculous. you can't walk away from a relationship just because you're experiencing some unintentionally caused pain."

but then there's the other image. it's the one that sees that though i did struggle with the "flight mentality" with michael, not only did i stay with him for many years, but i went back to the relationship after having left on two different occasions -- a relationship that was actually quite dysfunctional and damaging to me. i should have left and never looked back and should have probably done so much earlier than i did in 2008. so this image is of a person that doesn't know when to leave a situation that is bad for him -- one who persists in deceiving himself that things will get better.

and so who am i in this scenario? i have no fucking clue.