hidden love

there's a scene in angels in america when the main character prior walter ascends into heaven and finds it in complete disarray. he learns from the angels of the various continents, who have been doing their best to run heaven by committee, that god has left to wander the universe with no indication of when or if he will ever return. it is this very poignant metaphor for how gay men, in particular,  must have felt at the height of the aids crisis -- as if they had been abandoned by god himself, left to die alone and in ruin.

i've thought about this scene quite a bit over the last few months. the sense of feeling as if god has abandoned you is one that i unfortunately resonate with lately. even in what i call my converted lapsed catholic state, i miss the palpable sense of the love of god present in my life. my engagement with that concept at this time is far more cerebral than visceral. i continue to choose to believe that god loves each and every one of us and so by default that means i need to believe that god loves me. and yet how that is manifest in my life seems very hidden and out of touch.

it does indeed disturb me that i feel this way. much of my connection to the work of the organization i am employed by and my work specifically has been fueled by both my belief in and experience of the love of god. it feels as if i'm missing an appendage without it. and life seems to be pretty pointless as well.

i'm sure it has not helped that i have many voices from my past and present (my mother chief most among them) that have worked to convince me that as long as i profess to desire the love of a man, god wants nothing to do with me. i have done my best to hold fast to the belief that i can have both in my life. my resolve on that front has greatly diminished.

to help get me through, i keep saying the simple prayer of "lord, help my unbelief." how god chooses to answer that prayer will certainly go a long way to demonstrate which side has the correct perspective.