i'm running out of fight

those were the last words i wrote in a text exchange yesterday as i was experiencing an emotional breakdown. as has been the case before, it was an experience of every aspect of my life feeling wholly unsatisfying and the ability to make any changes on any front seeming exceedingly difficult if not impossible. it's not a good place to be, and i've been there many more times than i like to have been over the past few months.

and this morning i feel pretty much how i always feel after such an episode -- tired, slightly disoriented, and more than a bit afraid that it will happen again today. the good news is that even with all of that i'm not in as bad a place at the outset of today as i was yesterday. i admit that hesitatingly because, as stated at the beginning of this paragraph, there is the fear that it could all come crashing down around me again.

after all nothing has really changed in terms of the basic circumstances of my life. i'm still alone. i still have a demanding job. i still have this move to get through.

i know at least a part of all of this dynamic is that i'm physically and mentally exhausted from the long hours i'm putting in. i likely need a break, and i do have a couple of instances of time away coming up in the near future. but the problem is that while time away can help the physical part, as my weekends have been clear indications, i can't seem to get away from the harsh reflections on my life that have chipped away at my mental stability. i feel like i need a vacation from being me and i don't think there's any place i can go to accomplish that feat. and even if i could, i would still have to come back.