the breakage of trust

i was staring in the bathroom mirror this morning but in the way that you're looking intently at an object but not seeing what's actually there. instead, i was seeing the images of various disappointments i'd experienced in my relationship with michael. i guess the events of last week and my musings in yesterday's entry have brought the events of that relationship into the forefront of my consciousness. it was clear from my thoughts about what we went through together there there is still a great deal of hurt and a great lack of trust in him.

and from there, for whatever reason, i started thinking about a recent disappointment here at work in which my boss decided to take a particular meeting without me that i thought i would be a part of. i started questioning, as i have a few times over the past few months, if she had doubts about me and what i was contributing to the work (mind you this is not even 48 hours after a meeting in which she sincerely thanked me for the leadership i have been demonstrating. but that was then and this was well now but then). and with this my already not so great mood sank even further.

stepping back from the mirror and proceeding to continue with the rest of my routine of getting dressed for the day, i was reminded of a dynamic that i've both witnessed and experienced in the past. how the loss of trust in one relationship can start to affect one's capacity for trust in others. it's like there is a breakage in that part of the emotional self and what starts to happen is you begin to view every relationship no matter the duration or the substance as a potential for disappointment and hurt.

that perspective certainly explains my struggle with trusting in my friendship with sean -- a struggle that though diminished, if i were being truly honest, is not concluded. every now and again, those doubtful thoughts manage to creep in that i am making a mistake in trusting him and that the rejection and abandonment i fear may be only moments away (all with the strains of alanis's hands clean playing in the background of my mind). maybe experience will prove me wrong (and maybe not). and this definitely explains why i have no great enthusiasm (actually try no interest) for entering into other relationships at this time.

i guess it's this breakage of trust that is at least part of the rationale for what i shared in the emotional bandwidth post. and while i do continue to believe that patience is required, it still does not make for a great life experience.

yesterday, i made an appointment to see a therapist. as part of the pre-visit paperwork, there is a request to list the goals of therapy. at the time i struggled with what to put down as a goal. now, i think maybe i've found my first one.