wrestling with demons

it happened again last night. i entered into a familiar situation and within moments the demons were upon me.

it matters very little to him that you are here
that's not true, he's my friend and he enjoys my company

he would rather spend time interacting here than deal with you
well he enjoys this and he's had a long day and needs the distraction

he hasn't even noticed that you haven't been chatting
well, he's not fully himself at the moment

and after you'd spent all that time hoping you'd have a moment to chat with him
well, i ....

you'd hoped that you'd move forward with making plans to meet didn't you?
yes

you do know that's never going to happen?
i ....

he doesn't have the time for you nor should he. just give up already.

and with that i was silenced and the familiar feeling of my heart bleeding out with pain happened yet again.

and then the experience was over but not before the demons had one last say,

and see, he didn't even say goodbye to you, you foolish, foolish little man

and with that i took some meds, felt my eyes well with a few tears, and prayed for sleep to claim me quickly.

and now it's the morning after and i have no great desire to leave this bed, to leave this room, to live this life.