opening my heart

so what are the odds of finding oneself back in the same type of situation one night that in the previous night had resulted in a challenging emotional experience that aided in precipitating a sort of emotional breakdown the following morning? well, if you're me, i would say your odds are pretty good. and what are the odds that this same situation would result in a different experience? sadly, if you're me, not likely (and it didn't).

following last night's experience, i found myself making the following reflection in an online soliloquy, "i feel like i'm experiencing the reason depression is classified as a disease and not a minor inconvenience." during the second night experience (which oddly varied only in that i experienced the painful emotions that rendered me silent at the outset rather than over time), i found myself sharing this insight, "i think i may have a problem with opening my heart in the wrong way to the wrong men."

that was actually a perspective i had been pondering earlier in the evening and finding myself again in the same challenging situation, with the same sadness and disappointment as the evening before, the thought came roaring forward and out into an online chat. now, in this moment, when combined with the statement i made about the serious nature of depression, i'm wondering if the problem is really about opening my heart at the wrong time?

i've written before about the magnifying effect that depression seems to have on challenging emotions. in a simple analogy, when you're underwater, everything is going to feel wet. then again, even under water, some feelings may be the same as on dry land. for example, if you're handed a block of ice, it's still going to feel cold, whether wet or dry (i guess the question does still exist though that it may be cold no matter the conditions, but does it feel colder in one state, i.e., under water, than it does in another? does this make sense to anyone but me this little mental exercise should give you some sense of the fact that what often is going on inside my head is not a fun experience or maybe reading this blog has already done that for you. hey, be grateful. you're just visiting. i'm the one who has to live here).

maybe now was not the time to try to form a friendship. then again the friendship started prior to my being in this particular condition. i have pondered more often than i likely should have whether the challenges that have manifested for me in this relationship have resulted from my depression or exacerbated it. at the same time, i feel like now is exactly when i need a friendship, particularly when it's with someone that i do like and appreciate. and it feels like the depression is robbing me of the ability to engage it appropriately or effectively. to draw on my underwater analogy again, it feels like i'm drowning. so many thoughts and so few answers.

well, the evening ended with my chat companion calling it a night with the unfortunate declaration that "tonight has sucked." i'm not clear if i contributed to the sucking with my declaration about opening my heart. i do know that i could relate to the feeling. in fact, for me, it was a double feature.