wistful

today i am starting out with a feeling that is a little different than the one that has been my steady companion over the past few months. rather than the intense depression that has cast a sense of dread over the beginning of each new day, i have a somewhat lighter feeling, which serves as the title of this entry.

though this has been a word in my own lexicon for some time, i decided to look up the text book definition of the word. this is what i found:

having or showing sad thoughts and feelings about something that you want to have or do and especially about something that made you happy in the past. full of yearning or desire tinged with melancholy.

so while i am not deeply depressed, it would appear that i am experiencing an emotion that is a close relation to it, maybe a first cousin.

i'm pretty sure what has prompted this emotion is that, as i was getting ready this morning, i was reminded of a past exchange between sean and myself. that memory prompted what has become a recurring question since our last visit, "i wonder if and when we will see each other again?' this, in turn, made me think about the fact that, other than one visit from my mother, i've not had anyone come visit with me in this new locale. and from there my mind wandered to the thought of how nice it would be to have sean specifically and really any friend in general come for a visit. i imagined the places we could go see, the activities we could engage, but most importantly, i pictured moments of sharing, laughing, and connecting.

it was a nice picture, but no sooner than it had formed, it dissipated, and i was left with the starker images of day time hours filled with work and night time hours filled with preparations for my impending move. so with a sigh, i grabbed my coffee and my briefcase and headed down to my car, feeling ... well, i guess you already know that part ... and why.