what is it that i want?

this morning i was laying in bed flipping through the tv channels and i came on this show that had been in heavy advertisement rotation on bravo but i had not yet seen. it's a show that follows the online dating adventures of two guys and this episode had two guys who caught my attention. one was a gay internet celebrity known for his ubiquitous (and somewhat annoying) you tube videos. the other was this attractive christian 30 something virgin. both were in pursuit of a serious relationship. so i decided to watch.

i can't say that watching the show made me a fan, but after it was over and i was making my breakfast, i found myself thinking about dating relationships and marriage. much to my surprise, after having written so much about wanting love in my life over the past few months, i found myself not particularly motivated to engage in the former and not at all interested in the latter. i have to admit that i was both confused and unnerved by the revelation. i wondered, "what exactly is it that you do want?"

the question did make me think about all those years ago, pre-coming to terms with my sexual orientation, and i was in therapy describing to my therapist what i wanted in my life -- to be close to someone, intimacy, a relationship that i felt at home in. he then responded with, "oh you want to be married and have a family" (i should have mentioned that this was a christian psychologist my having been a serious evangelical christian at the time). i remember just thinking, "do i? i really would just settle for a good friend." part of that perspective i know was likely due to the fact that at the time i would have viewed marriage as something that would occur with a female and i knew that the desire i had was close companionship with a male, which at that time would have been restricted in my mind to the realm of friendship.

and yet today, having been "civil unioned" once, i still find myself thinking, "i'd just settle for a really good friend." of course part of me does wonder if my experience with michael has me so convinced that to be married is to be miserable that i now want none of it. it's possible but what i do wish i could figure out what it is that i want out of life. or is it that i do know what i want and just don't believe i can have it?