a quiet sadness

over the past several months, i have experienced a kind of mental anguish that were it manifested in the form of physical torture i am sure it would violate any provisions of the geneva convention on cruel and unusual punishment. the pain has often come in the form of a raging almost violent assault on my psyche that made me question if i literally was going to make it to the end of that particular day. i sensed this was partly to blame on being on the wrong medication, and as adjustments to my medication are being made with my weaning off the one and going on another, i continue to suspect i am right.

over the past several days, the assaults have subsided. that's the good news. the unfortunate news is that the sadness remains. rather than being tumultuous, it's actually pretty placid. i use that particular term as it is a word that is often used to describe the conditions surrounding a lake, and in like manner, while my melancholy state has a stillness and quietness about it, it also can be quite deep and there are moments that i feel i am about to drown in it (actually there are moments i wish i could and disappear forever).

i continue to question if i am really suited for this life. it seems to be filled with nothing but disappointment and loneliness. i am not encouraged right now, as i have not been for some time, that things will get better. the days go by with what feel like meaningless activities and end in nights of isolation and destructive thinking.

i used to believe that there was an abundance of love in the world. i think i still believe that. i just don't believe it for me.