fresh pain

i'm waiting for the day when thinking about our situation doesn't make me sad. i meant to write friendship. the situation is what it is i suppose.

i sent those words in a text message about an hour ago and now i'm starting to regret that i did. that regret comes not so much from the concern regarding the reaction that the words might elicit from the recipient (a reaction that has not as yet come nor am i confident that i will receive one. of late, expressions like these have tended to go by without comment). no, the regret comes from the fact that letting these words out of my mind and into the world has seemed to have broken open a fresh reservoir of pain that is flooding my soul and drowning me in sadness.

i feel kind of at a breaking point this morning. life just doesn't seem to be working for me. even the simplest things that i want, a day with a friend, for instance, just don't seem to be possible. and if the simple things are beyond my grasp what chance do i have for the more complex aspects of my life to come into alignment with my hopes and aspirations?

it all feels quite impossible. and that day i'm waiting for? it just doesn't seem like it's ever going to arrive.