disappointment to despair

it's thursday morning. no response as yet to the text i sent yesterday and no response to a morning greeting today. and my emotional response to it all is a feeling of deep sadness. it's a pattern i've become unfortunately familiar with over the last several months. a hope, a desire, an expectation is not met and i quickly pass from disappointment to despair. it's also a pattern that i'm entirely, utterly sick of experiencing.

i get the disappointment part. it is a natural reaction to something hoped for not taking place. you're going out of town for a visit. you hope that part of that visit can include seeing your new friend. it doesn't look like that's going to happen. you're disappointed. again, i get that. what i don't get is why my mind continues to betray me by magnifying that bit of sadness into larger indictments against the truthfulness of the friendship, my worth as a person and the quality of my life, now and into the future.

correction, i do get it, at least in part. i mean i've written about it a few times before. it's in part a brain chemistry thing. fine. my physiology is kind of mucked up and warping my emotional reactions. and the fuel to that fire are the hurts and pains of past experiences (some not so distant). so while i "understand" what is likely the cause, i guess what i don't "get" is (cue the existential question) why does this have to be happening to me in my life at this time. and i also don't understand how to stop this part of me that seems clearly broken from causing me to feel that i am entirely broken and unwanted.

it continues to feel like this depressed mind is going to result in my losing so much. it feels like i'm losing a friend because of how i'm reacting, that i'm losing my focus and drive at work, and that i'm losing any sense that life can be good or meaningful or fulfilling. this is so not a good place to be. it really isn't.