when "relationships with men" becomes synonymous with "heartbreak"

i guess it is no revelation, based on my last several blog entries, that i am working through a particular recent disappointment in my relationship with sean. that process has manifested in the form of both private rumination and dialogues with my therapist. through the course of both, i've come to see that i am back in a place that i have actually been before. that place is living with the belief that for me attempting any form of relationship with a guy will just lead to emotional pain and suffering.

as i've shared before, this is a particularly problematic perspective to have when you are a gay man. it is even more so when you are a gay man who has had to go without intimate connection with other men for quite some time and is now longing for those types of relationships in your life. i would equate it to being in a desert and believing that water is poisonous. the thing you most need is the one thing you are most afraid to take in to your life because you believe it will only hurt you in the end.

my therapist, who we shall refer to as dr. s from now on, is gently encouraging me to think about stepping out and forming new relationships. yet, because of the place i'm in, i just see doing that as taking the pains i've been experiencing in navigating my friendship with sean and just multiplying those hurts two, three, four-fold. another way of saying that is i see no upside in the proposition of entering into new relationships with the male of the species.

and so hear i sit, alone in my desert, hoping to find an oasis. and yet fearful to take even a sip.