i decided to write tonight because i don't think i'm going to have the energy to face this blog tomorrow. i just posted an entry about having another bad moment. the cracks have spread rapidly through my metaphorical picture window of this one friendship and it is rapidly falling apart. i expect by morning there will be nothing left but a vague memory of what i used to believe was this friendship i had.
i wrote some months back that the worst lies are the ones we tell ourselves. and i can see that i've harbored a lie for the better part of a year. i've told myself that it would be possible for me to matter to a man who lives hundreds of miles to the east, who has a life of his own that i am barred from being a part of. it is not that he has done anything wrong except maybe to have taken time out of what is indeed his very busy life to meet with me one fateful weekend in a certain mid-western city.
it is not so much that i wish or plan to end this friendship. i just realize that i don't have the strength to engage in it in the same way as before. the sad thing is i think i've been doing so with the perspective that if i didn't work furiously to maintain the connection on a daily basis then i would be quickly forgotten and the relationship would end. i see now that can happen no matter what i do. in fact, i suspect that deep down i expect that this is what will happen and i will be shelved in the back of his memory as a passing experience, rarely remembered and certainly not missed.
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