two weekends

so the extended weekend visit with my friend has come to a close (in fact, if her flight was on time, she should have taken off just about ten minutes ago), and i am back in this place to reflect and ruminate (the things i do best) on what transpired over the past four days. the weekend was an interesting experience. actually, as the days progressed, i became acutely aware that what began as a single experience was splitting into what can best be described as two parallel experiences that were occurring pretty much simultaneously (if it were a movie, the visual would be a split screen).

on the one side of the screen, we have the fun and delightful experience with my friend. we had a truly wonderful time visiting sites in the area, combing through bookstores, driving along listening to 70's music on siriusxm satellite radio, and laughing as only two long-time friends can do. one of my favorite memories was our sitting on my living room floor combing through letters she had sent me over the years, dating back to our respective freshman years in high school that were lived about 400 miles apart (one quick aside, i should note that this experience was made possible by the fact that i have kept every single card and letter that pretty much anyone has sent/given me over the almost 50 years of my life. it comes from the fact that i feel that with each one, it is as if the person has sent me a part of themselves and to discard that piece of written correspondence would be as if i were throwing away a piece of that person). it was all indeed a very, very special time.

the other experience emerged on saturday and grew in impact as the days rolled through to monday. i won't go into specifics as there are people who read this blog who are friends with myself and the other person in the dynamic. my reluctance to share details probably stems mostly from the fact that i feel pretty stupid and foolish that i allowed what happened to happen. in short, it involved the results of having opened my heart and extending myself to someone who, while initially responsive, ultimately determined that the kind of friendship i was proposing was not for him. of course, being the kind person he is, he was gracious and stated he was "honored" by my offer (as i indicated to him, i get the "i'm flattered/honored" thing a lot in similar circumstances and am even thinking of getting a t-shirt to commemorate that fact).

the dialogue that occurred over the three days left me feeling rejected, undesirable, and again unlovable. as i described to another friend, it felt as if i had been punched in the stomach and had my heart ripped out at the same time. these are not new emotions for me to experience, but if you will think back to the previous entry's analogy, the experience was another switch that turned up my connection to the deeper identity scars and pain that have plagued me much of my life. between my mother's visit and this event, i would say i am well plugged in at this point.

and i found myself having to hold both experiences in my mind at the same time. i would literally be laughing with my friend over one period of time and then weepy in my bedroom for another period. there were even moments when the feelings were happening at almost exactly the same time. for example, i would be chatting happily with her as we walked together through a bookstore, and then, when we separated, my thoughts would drift to the other situation, and i'd feeling that gut wrenching heartache all over again.

and now my friend is in the midst of returning home and there is only one path -- the pain-filled one. i am unfortunately back in the place that i was in the early part of the year with a feeling that when it comes to men, the only certainty is that i will feel hurt and rejection and that i will never be good enough. poor sean got the brunt of this feeling in a furious bout of text messaging yesterday as my experience with the one person brought back many of the doubts that i had harbored about my relationship with sean not too many months ago (btw, sean was the "another friend" that got the colorful visualization of how i was feeling).

today, i'm in a better place of being "cautiously optimistic" (rather than the "soundly confident" place i was before the weekend) about the status of my friendship with sean. then again, i remember he's a man, and i wonder if my heart and my stomach may be in danger once again.