reminded

i would have to say that the events of this weekend have definitely shifted my view of my life from being "glass quarter filled" to "glass three quarters empty" (i never reached the halfway mark). it's as if i was moving along with this "maybe things can get better" sort of attitude and then the conversations of saturday through monday came, and i was reminded, "oh wait, this is my life. yeah, "better" is not really a dynamic that emerges in my life when it comes to relationships with men - disappointing and tragic would be the more apt descriptors."

i'm sitting here now at my desk, having just finished a conference call and with about 30 minutes until my next meeting, and i'm thinking, "where do i go from here?" perhaps an even more basic question is "how do i get out of this emotional pit into which i feel i am sinker even deeper and deeper?"

i have a therapy session this afternoon, and maybe some direction will emerge from there. i have to admit though that i'm not looking forward to it. the whole idea of scrutinizing what i'm feeling and going through that emotion at a deeper level just does not sound appealing in my current state (crawling into bed and pulling the covers over my head for the next, oh maybe, decade or so -- now that, that sounds very appealing). i thought briefly this morning about cancelling the session but then realized that avoiding therapy because i'm depressed really defeats the purpose of being in therapy in the first place (however painful the experience may turn out to be).

i think the most concerning result of this recent experience is the effect that the fear of being hurt again is having on my outlook on current and future relationships. in terms of current, i had built up a certain amount of security and confidence about my friendship with sean that now feels in danger of eroding away as small doubts begin to emerge. i am doing my best to push those doubts away, but i'm not sure how long i will be successful in doing so.

and as for the future, i have already gone back into the withdrawn space in terms of the online communities within which i participate. i am now just watching conversations transpire, feeling neither motivated to or secure in my ability to open myself even a bit to new relationships or even interactions. and if that is the case with relationships that are really based in a virtual reality, i see no likelihood of my engaging in relationships in the physical realm anytime in the foreseeable (and even beyond) future. life just does not look good right now.