you know how when you're having this conversation with someone about some monumental change in condition or perspective in that person's life and to punctuate how significant the change is they will exclaim, "yeah, i've done a complete 360 on that issue." now, we know that they mean that they've done a 180 which would be a movement in the opposite direction from which they were previously oriented. to do a 360 would mean that they have made a complete circle and are literally back where they started. today, i felt like i had truly done a complete 360.
i am back in the similar place of pain and sadness that i was in a week ago this day. i am thoroughly embarrassed and ashamed of how i've conducted myself and reacted to someone who has only tried his best to be a friend to me. has it always been perfect, no. and i know that it has always been well intentioned. even so, i tread over ground that we've been over so many times this year, expressing the same doubts and jumping to the same unfortunate conclusions. and at the end of it all, i couldn't help but just shake my head in disbelief that i had devolved into a crazy lunatic once again.
the plain and simple truth is that the pain of loneliness is not going away. in fact, even as i develop new perspectives on life that i think will help me cope better, it doesn't seem to take more than a few days before it surges anew. not only is it not going away i feel this emotional pain is growing ever more acute. even as i type this the tears of frustration are commingled with this hurt that wants to burst out of my chest.
why does the world have to be such a lonely place for me? i just don't understand.
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