something is happening. i don't think it's good. i've been having these thoughts of not feeling particularly good about myself. the first significant evidence of this feeling emerged when i was thinking about my friendship with sean. as i shared with him later, the reflection on our friendship left me, in a word, confused. my brain was having trouble wrapping itself around the concept of why he would want to be friends with me. i just couldn't quite get it.
today the thoughts of questioning what value i have have continued. a few moments ago, i was thinking of my pretty much broken relationship with my mother and that i have no contact with my extended family -- none. strangely enough, my next thought was about the fact that it was a good thing that i didn't want to have children because what would i have to offer them. they would not experience the richness of a family history or familial relationships.
these musings then led to the thought (perhaps inevitably, because it truly is kind of a chain reaction/stacked dominoes effect with me), "it's no wonder you're alone. you're a broken mess with very little to offer anyone." and of course, i'm back to the place where i see events that have and are happening through that lens. it goes kind of like this, "no wonder sean won't let you visit and the planned for meet ups have not happened. no wonder the connections you've attempted to make with other guys haven't worked out. what do you really have to give to anyone?"
it's strange. it's like i don't see myself anymore. i have no sense of my identity and to use an oft used term, no feel for what i bring to the table. i see nothing but a form of a person reflected back at me when i look in the mirror -- this being that has a broken past, an empty present, and an unknown future.
as i said at the start, i don't think this is good to be thinking this way again. unfortunately, it's one habit i can't seem to break.
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