unprepared

i'm about to enter a work day for which i do not feel even remotely emotionally prepared. i think the key signs were the fact that i was crying before leaving and crying when i got to my office. my day is pretty much back to back meetings starting at 8:00 a.m. having been out the office for five days now, i have 350 emails to go through. those emails signify who knows how many phone calls to return, decisions to be made, materials to be reviewed, and so forth.

i'm just in one of those times that existing is just pain-filled. it may sound strange but it's like the physical contact of my body with the space around me hurts. and yet i want nothing more at this moment than to have someone hold me and tell me that things will get better.

outwardly, i am dressed crisply in a blue button down polo shirt and some charcoal grey tweed-like pants with matching wool socks and shiny black oxfords. inwardly, i am curled up in the fetal position on the ground of this metaphorical forest in which i've been lost for far longer than i thought i would be.

it's hard not to feel as if i'm being punished in some way. at the very least, i do feel abandoned. and even as a very, very small number of people attempt to reach out to me, it's as if they don't really see me or hear me or understand me. i'm not sure if anyone ever has or ever will.

it's colder and darker in this forest and any hope of rescue or escape has left me. i am not going to make it out of this place.

and there's the 15 minute reminder that my first schedule appointment is just ahead.

this is not the life i thought i would have.