i thought i should stop in here to see if this might help. i have less than 30 minutes to pull myself together before my first meeting of the day and i just don't know how. i keep hearing my voice inside saying over and over that i can't do this anymore.
20 minutes to go and i'm texting like an idiot, begging to be heard. god what is wrong wtih me?
15 minutes and i'm feeling my defense mechanism trying to kick in. the one that shuts every emotion in me down and i become dead inside once again. but the pain is so intense it's not working.
10 minutes and a razor thin thread of hope emerges. try to believe the friendship is intact. that he does still care about you. that you haven't lost another one. that it all hasn't been a lie.
7 minutes and i close my eyes and say a faulty prayer that even though it feels like that even god has not abandoned me.
5 minutes and it feels as if i'm on a razor's edge between sanity and complete madness.
3 minutes and dark visions loom even larger in my mind showing me there is a way to end the pain once and for all.
2 minutes and another email chime comes through reminding me of this relentless stream of work that just doesn't stop and i feel wholly inadequate to deal with.
1 minute and i think as i have so many times, all i wanted was a friend. all i wanted from life is to be happy.
time's up.
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