over the course of the day, i would send frantic texts to one of the very few friends i have right now (many of which i later learned he likely didn't receive -- f#@%ing technology!). he responded to some and not to many of the others. he tried to help from afar but the frantic mania continued he my mind and heart.
at the end of the day, i decided to stop by my local bookstore and then to get some takeout tex-mex. as i was winding down on a conference call, i decided to reach out once more to my friend. the conversation went something like this:
me: hey are you there? i think i'm losing my grip again. i guess this is my life now. every day a struggle not to kill myself.
friend: you must focus on the positive.
me: i am so lost right now and the positive is so hard to see. i'm leaving as soon as i'm off this conference call. what i'm doing i have no idea. and i can't imagine how i'm going to make it through the holidays.
at this point the conference call was over and i was packed up and walking out to my car when this seminal thought came to me and i continued the text dialogue:
me: i guess it all boils down to i have no clue of what i'm living for.
friend: i'm just sitting with people i do not like. hoping to have fun later.
by this time i had arrived at the bookstore parking lot, where strangely enough i've had a few text conversations with this particular friend. his observation resulted in the following response:
me: so my life is supposed to be about always hoping things will get better even with no evidence they ever will? you do realize you're supposed to be helping me to not want to kill myself?
at this point i didn't hear back from my friend for awhile, but that may have been good because the pause gave time for the truth of what i texted to settle in my mind, heart and spirit. at the time, all i really noticed was that my mood had shifted for the better, but i wasn't quite sure why. in this moment i see, and am more than slightly overwhelmed by the fact, that a great grace has been bestowed upon me through the insight gained from the question i posed to my friend.
what i've come to realize, yet again, (because my life seems to have a "lost and found" dynamic with this particular truth), the answer to that pivotal question posed via text in a bookstore parking lot is quite simply "yes." life is precisely about hoping for the best even when it seems very far away from you and all that you have in front of you are great disappointments and a broken spirit. in the language of another source of wisdom that i still pull from to guide my life, making it through this life is about having faith as defined thusly,
faith is the substance of things hoped for,
the evidence of things unseen
this re-connection to this vital perspective has had a quietly profound impact on me. i say quietly because it's not so much that i'm not still experiencing sadness about my current circumstances and more than a bit of concern with what my future looks like in terms of relationship and companionship. what has changed is that i have this sense that there is potential still for me to be happy. i don't know what that will look like, but i am open again to accepting whatever form that will take. and that even without that sense, i know i have to live my life as if i did have that belief in the potential for better days ahead.
i'm going to close this entry with a more specific example of this change in perspective. it involves my reaction to a particular song that's shared below. i know i've mentioned in a previous entry that i am waking up each morning to jason mraz's new album "yes" (and if you haven't purchased it yet, i'm not quite sure what you're waiting for). this song is the third song on the album, and within the lyric,s there is a repeated refrain of "and i know, i know, it's gonna be a good day." every day i've heard that lyric and felt a wave of sadness accompanied by thoughts to the effect of, "no, i really don't think so."
well, this morning the wave of sadness began, and just as the accompanying doubtful thought was emerging, another thought took its place. that new thought was as follows, "clarus, what's wrong with thinking that it is going to be a good day?" and you know what? i realized that there was nothing wrong with that, nothing at all.
hello, you beautiful thing - jason mraz
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