Monday, July 13, 2015

not ready

it's my last day of vacation, and i feel completely unprepared to re-enter the world of work. it's not as much that i am not looking forward to the daily stressors (which i'm not); it's more that i can tell i am in this space of great apathy about the work and the organization of which i am a part and i have no idea how i am going to be able to perform in the way and at the levels i need to and have previously. i literally don't care, and if conditions and circumstances do not change soon, i don't really want to be in that environment anymore. and this is where it gets tricky.

as nice as the area i live in is, i have been very lonely and unhappy here for quite a bit of time. i moved here not knowing anyone and for a variety of reasons have not been able to establish any relationships. couple that fact with the dissatisfaction at work and it would seem moving on would be the best thing.

i thought leaving was the most likely solution until one day last week when i realized that i'm not really in the emotional condition to relocate. first of all, moving is a major stressor, and i don't think i could handle trying to rebuild a life in yet another new location at this point. the second and perhaps more significant matter is i don't feel it would be a good idea to leave my current doctors in the midst of being treated for my depression. who knows if i would have the energy or motivation to find new ones in a new location and as difficult as finding a solution has been here, i think i would be really screwed if i stepped away from the treatment attempts at this point.

so here i am feeling pretty much stuck in a no win situation. i'm not happy with being here (and by "here" i refer to my physical, mental and emotional spaces) and yet not i don't feel able to move on to a better situation. actually, the saddest part is that i'm not sure if whether i stay or go, i even know what a better situation looks like or if i did whether one truly exists for me. yeah, it's not a good place to be at all.

here's a song whose chorus i am struggling to put into action. i try, but life (and my seeming inability to cope with it) keep getting in the way.

breathe (2 a.m.) - anna nalick

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