a dedication

to kenny, greg, bobby, o.c., doug p., jay, doug f., michal, boyce, david, stan, brian, mark, marc, joe, michael, tod, rick, chris, patrick, trey, sean, s.d., nick, paul, those whose names i've unfortunately forgotten, and those who may be yet to come,

friends all, collective crushes (soft, hard, or excruciating), a love i knew and lost, loves i wished i could have known but didn't,

my lonely and breaking heart salutes you . . . .

ghost - the indigo girls

my failures

earlier today i was standing in my kitchen sipping on my first cup of morning coffee when what i can only describe as the full magnitude of my failure in my relationship with michael came crashing down on me with a force that literally caused my knees to buckle. it's funny how such moments often start with the simplest of thoughts.

in this case, even earlier in the morning, a friend and i had been chatting online and the topic of summer vacations came up. he shared that he had one coming up but didn't know much about it. the reason for his lack to knowledge was that his girlfriend was planning something and the details were a secret. "that should be nice," i found myself responding and then inquired about the timing and duration. the conversation pretty much ended soon thereafter as we both needed to get ready for our respective days. hasty goodbyes were exchanged and off we went.

fast forward to the knee buckling moment or rather what immediately preceded it. as i was pouring my coffee, i just started thinking how nice it would be to have someone plan a getaway. now obviously, what i was really thinking was how nice it would be to be in a relationship with someone who loved me and cared enough for me to want to plan a surprise trip for us. and then i took a sip of the morning brew and the thunderbolt of remembrance and recognition struck. images of the turmoil of my relationship with michael flashed across my mind's eye in rapid succession, following which a wave of deep sorrow swept over, around and through me.

you see it wasn't that i was saddened by the fact that i once had a love like that and had lost it. i didn't have that with michael. well, i didn't, but michael had that from me as i lovingly lavished attention on countless holidays, vacations, birthdays and such for him. what hurt was the recognition that with all my love and care i attempted to give, i had still failed to be able to sustain that relationship. all that i poured into wanting him to know the he was loved by me came to nothing in the end.

lately, i've been struggling with the same feelings about my professional life. i've put countless hours into so many different activities and initiatives, not because i had to but because i loved the work and the people on whose behalf i was doing it. and in like fashion, i question if it will all be for nothing. another failure.

and so it goes with old and recent friendships, my relationships with my mother and extended family, my sense of purpose and meaning in life -- all have this sense of brokenness, failure, and a seeming inability to ever get things right.

as is my fashion, i've found the emotions expressed in this entry are well expressed in an old favorite song. i share it here. and i do wonder, "how long 'til my soul gets it right?"

galileo - indigo girls

returning to a familiar place

listening to the if/then cast recording for the first time in awhile. sharing these songs again because it amazes me how deeply they speak to and resonate with who i am. hope it makes sense, and if not, then at least i hope that you enjoy the music:

who i am

what i've missed

who i hope to find (or find me)

how i hope i will respond if we do

what i hope to realize

who i hope to become

as natural as breathing

if you've ever taken a basic biology course, you're familiar with the systems of the body -- nervous, respiratory, skeletal, circulatory and so on. if you've had further study in the workings of the human body then you likely know that one part of the nervous system is called the autonomic system and that it governs all the bodily functions that don't require conscious thought -- breathing, heart beating, blinking. etc. lately, it feels that another part of my autonomic system is the tendency, as a friend once shared with me, to think of 100 different reasons for any circumstance and to always choose the worst one, particularly as it relates to how i feel about myself. it's funny because it's thoughts about my relationship with this same friend that has brought this unfortunate habit very much to the forefront.

you see it's been several days since my last interaction with this friend. that may not seem so unusual to some but we've developed a routine in which we send at least a hello text on a daily basis. there may be a day or two lapse, but it's been quite some time since we've gone this long without any contact. as a result, unfortunately, my autonomic response has kicked in with the myriad of reasons why.  these reasons range from the logical ["he's busy enjoying his vacation," he's getting much needed rest," "his phone's not working or broken (this has actually happened before)"] to the dire ["he's terribly sick," "he's been in an accident," "his girlfriend broke up with him and he's too depressed to talk"] to the ridiculous ["his gf murdered him," "he's in jail," "he's run off to be a monk (this also has actually happened in my life with another friend but he did at least tell me that was in his plans before doing so)."] and as is also all too often the case, the reasons i keep coming back to and accepting are the ones that have to do with my own failings and shortcomings -- "i've said or done something to offend him," "he can't deal with my depression any longer," "i'm not desirable as a friend," and that good old standby, "when it comes to men in my life, eventually, they just leave, especially those i care for the most."

i think the saddest part of this all is my realization that i no longer have the ability to fight against these thoughts. the events of the past few months joined with the struggles of the past year-plus have left me feeling so broken of heart, mind, and spirit that i just can't sustain a belief that he really wants to continue to be friends with me. for a long time, i felt as if his life was too full for me to have any real part of and that i kept intruding where i didn't really have a place. i got to a good place over time of having some confidence in the relationship. then something happened a few weeks ago that kind of shattered the picture i had of this friendship and i have been struggling (and failing) to put the pieces back together again ever since.

i'm not sure about any of you, but there have been a few periods in my life where everything has felt so broken that i could not conceive of anything being good or right or whole again. i am deep in one of those times right now -- in some ways deeper than i have ever been. it's not just about this particular friendship. there are so many, many other issues, and yet, with this particular friendship, i am now as lost and unclear of what to do or what will happen as i have been about so much of late.

it's really a shame too because i really like this guy and i could certainly use a friend about now.

feeling forgotten

i'm out of town about to start the final day of a three day meeting. it continues to be a strange time in my life. this sense of not having a discernible presence in the world lingers. as each day has passed, it has felt as if i have been forgotten by many i have known.

i've shared many times in this blog that i've  never felt entirely at home or welcomed in this world. now it is a feeling that i am so alien to everything, so isolated, so unknown that if the world were the human body i would expect antibodies to attack me as a result of not recognizing my place as a part of the natural ecosystem.

even worse than feeling forgotten about the world around me is that i am forgetting myself. i am losing the sense of what makes me, well me. what am i doing here? what difference am i supposed to be making in the world? what do i really have to contribute? why do or even would people care about who i am? why would anyone love me?

so many questions and the answers are not coming. they're just not.

how much more?

in the quiet spaces of this weekend, which would pretty much be the entirety of this weekend, i've noticed that my breathing pattern has been somewhat slow and labored. it is as if the heaviness of my heart is weighing down my chest cavity, making its expansion and contraction that much more challenging.

in the times i've experienced this level of depression, i've always been amazed by how truly difficult emotional pain can be. i think people often feel that if you're in this state all you really need to do is to find a distraction -- go to a movie, read a book, listen to some music, go for a walk, call up a friend, indulge in a new hobby, have sex (or its reasonable facsimile), redecorate your home, and so on, and so on.

what not many people realize is that just as with my labored breathing, depression tends to weigh down everything. everything becomes a monumental undertaking such that even if you can motivate yourself to do any of those activities, they are difficult to sustain because of lack of focus or energy or both. plus, if my experience is any indication, your enjoyment of them is not nearly as complete as when you feel whole and healthy.

for me, in any given week, i have like a window of productive space. my mind is clear enough, my enthusiasm strong enough, my energy level high enough that i can get things done. depending on how my brain chemistry is working in that particular week and the number of frustrations, disappointments or unexpected "surprises" that have happened, that window can be as long as a few days or as short as a few hours over the course of the entire week. it's not the greatest way to live a life, but i'm trying.

it would help if i had a belief that life will be better than this someday -- that work will yield accomplishment as well as effort, that friends who are engaged and physically present will be plentiful, and that, as i continue to wander lost and alone in these dark woods, love will come find me  and help me to find my way home. it would help even more if any elements of that belief were reality.

i guess it really shouldn't be so surprising that this kind of hope eludes me. i mean, after all, how much more can a heavy heart and a broken spirit really be expected to carry?

unseen and unnoticed

today i went to a place i normally go to get some degree of relief from the pressures of life. it's a comic shop that's located in a huge warehouse. normally, it's a pretty quiet place and because of its scale you can walk around and barely encounter a soul.

i went there today having been experiencing a good degree of emotional stress this morning. i was feeling overwhelmed by thoughts of the many things that seem to be broken in my life in terms of work and personal relationships as well as dealing with the transition to my new anti-depressant medication. i felt very alone and confused and i thought maybe going to my lcs (local comic shop) would provide some solace.

when i pulled into the parking lot, it was filled with cars, and i could tell that meant there was likely some type of event going on. i ended up guessing correctly that it was one of the auctions they hold on the site on a periodic basis.

as i entered the store, i could tell something was different. much of the shelving space had been shifted around. as i got deeper into the store and started looking around it became apparent quite a bit  of the merchandise had been displaced as well, but in such a way that it wasn't clear anymore what material was where or how it was even organized.

i walked around looking for a particular book that had recently come out. try as i might i could not find it. some stuff looked as if it had been just pulled from the shelves at random and put on other shelves. some books were just piled on tops of tables, different publishers and titles were just all mixed in together. it was quite literally a mess.

as i walked from row to row, my level of frustration growing, i would pass groups of people milling around the shop excited about the impending auction. they were looking at the merchandise that would soon go up for bid. Others were congregating in small groups chatting and laughing. and there i was, by myself, lost and confused, desperately just wanting to find the book i was looking for, so i could purchase it and leave. and as i could see and hear people enjoying one another's company, i felt completely invisible and insignificant. i felt like a solitary ghost passing through the racks, as the living, oblivious to my presence, experienced the comfort of companionship and the joy of a shared experience.

i never did find the book for which i was looking and ended up getting a different one. when i was paying for it, the guy at the sales counter turned the book over a few times, seemingly admiring it as perhaps a purchase he would like to make someday. he looked and me and said, "it's funny how i've never noticed that we even had this book in stock." at that moment i felt the book and i had something in common -- both of us unnoticed and unseen by the world around us.

at least the book had now been taken from it's lonely perch and presently has a home where it will be valued and appreciated. i have no idea when or even if i will experience the same.