such a class act

I just finished watching Hillary Clinton's speech from the Democratic National Convention. Yes, I'm aware that it is the day after the speech, but now that I'm on Eastern Standard Time, I find it impossible to stay up past 10 p.m. and be fresh for work the next day. Therefore, I've employed my good friend Tivo to allow me to experience the convention, albeit with a time delay. Now back to the speech.

Thank you Sen. Clinton for showing the world why 18 million of us supported you through the Presidential primary process and why we know our nation would be privileged to have you serve as our President. I had no fears or concerns that she would not do everything she could to rally the party to support our eventual nominee, Barack Obama. However, I think she did even more than that.

She reminded people that this election is not about the candidates, it is about us, as in we the American people. It is about believing again that our government is here to serve us and to work on our behalf -- our as in broadly defined and inclusive of all our citizenry, not narrowly as in the privileged few, appealing only to special interests.

It is my sincere prayer that people really listened this time to not only the masterful speech given by Hillary, but the outstanding one delivered by Michelle Obama as well (now wouldn't that be a great ticket for the future). Stop listening to the party of McCain that appeals to your fears and prejudices and embrace the hope and vision for a better America that comes in the person of Barack Obama. Last I heard, "leadership" involves someone who inspires and motivates. America needs serious leadership for a serious time and seriously there's only one choice and it ain't the senator from Arizona.

even the dmv knows me

I was walking out to the parking lot after a successful shopping day (a sports jacket and tie from Macy's, a pair of pants from Banana Republic, four pairs of shoes from DSW, a new vacuum cleaner and assorted toiletries from Target, some magazines from Borders, and a DVD from Best Buy -- it was a fun day) and I noticed that my new license plate has the letter "Y" repeated twice in succession. So it's "digit, digit, Y, Y, digit, digit."

Immediately, I'm struck by the realization of how appropriate that is, for like a three year old that has just discovered the interrogative, I am constantly questioning the meaning of this thing we call life. From the smallest matter (why are there so many different types of laundry detergents?) to the largest (why do people hate other people because of their race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, etc.?), I am pondering the elements of our existence. -- sometimes to the point of exhaustion.

Now, I have a car that shares that fact with the world.

when the leader isn't

I got a call the other day from a former work colleague and current friend who, justifiably, was in a state of extreme exasperation with her "superiors" in the organization she works for. Listening to her concerns and recognizing the intense state of frustration she was in took me back to my own days of working for less than competent bosses.

In her case she is in the even more unenviable position of not only having her direct boss be totally useless (actually "totally useless" would be overstating the value of this individual to the work), but the direct boss's boss is completely out of her depth. It's like the two are in some kind of "nuclear arms race of incompetence" -- each trying to outdo the other in making one ill-conceived decision after another. Still another friend familiar with the situation describes the situation as like the "blind leading the retarded" (forgive me for being very un-PC in sharing that comment but it is just sooo apropos).

So as I was listening, I could feel my stomach churning with the same feeling of a mixture of anxiety and hopelessness that I had when I was in a similar situation. At the heart of it is this simple truism, the culture of an organization is dictated from the top. This is particularly true with an organization like my friend's -- one that is small and basically flat in it's organizational structure. The saddest aspect of the situation is that my friend is immensely bright, talented, and has just the most sincere desire to make a difference in the work she's doing, yet the folks in "leadership" of the organization make all of her best efforts virtually for naught. There is nothing worse than being a work situation where you are giving a 110% effort and the organization is not only not progressing, it's actually regressing.

So what do you do when you find yourself in a situation like this, when the leader isn't leading. Well, first, don't do what I have tended to do. Don't allow your devotion to the work keep you in a situation that is sucking your soul dry far longer than you should. You see sucking your soul dry is the one thing that incapable leaders tend to do well. They have this uncanny ability to take advantage of their best employees. You're capable of doing a job that takes the nimrod who is your peer (or, in my friend's case, "boss") twice as long and you do it with twice the quality to boot. Guess what? The incapable leader will give you the task that the "nimrod" dropped the ball on with half the time you should have gotten to do the job well and then hound you about why it isn't done yet. To top it all off, when you do deliver, neither the nimrod or the leaderless wonder will acknowledge that you came in yet again and saved the day.

If you find yourself in a situation that sounds even remotely similar to the preceding description then this is what I think you should do (and what I told my friend). You take care of you. You reasses what it is that you want to be doing with your life and you devote all of your creative energy to finding that. You call, e-mail, send letters out to everyone you know and some you don't, letting them know that you're looking and would appreciate whatever help they could provide. You search on the internet for opportunities. You look in the classifieds. You pray. You keep your eyes and ears open to the universe shifting and making your next move known to you. You go to whatever lengths you have to to get yourself to a place that values your skills, your experience and your work ethic -- a place where you can fulfill your vocation, giving your God-given talents in service to making a difference in your corner of the world.

It is not your responsibility to save the organization you work for no matter how laudable the mission it has. There are other people that have that role of ensuring the well-being of the organization (in the nonprofit world we call those people part of the governance of the organization, and there's a reason that's the term that's used).

Finding your new opportunity is now your full-time job, but also keep this in mind. Never run from something, run to something. Go to an opportunity that you believe to be the best one possible (certainly be confident that it will be much better than the one you're in). Remember, you take care of you. You're certainly more than worth it.

clearer

I believe I have good news to report. Nigel and I had a very good phone conversation yesterday afternoon into evening and I think we are clearer on where each other stands. I think he really heard me about the mistakes we both had been making, and that in moving forward, we need to be even more conscious of the points raised.

I know, at the very least, that I was clear that I was going to be different (in, what I believe, a good way even if for my own well-being) than I had been in the most recent past. I will back to visit him in a few weeks and then he wants to come out here the next month (a major development as he does not like to fly, but I take this as a gesture that he wants to work at being equal partners in our relationship).

I trust that all will be well because I am determined not to lose myself again. Nothing is worth that.

feeling exposed

It's been a strange experience re-entering the world of blogging. I decided to do it because I felt with such a major life transition, I really needed to be journaling again, so why not use this medium to do so. I also decided that unlike the previous blog, this one was really going to be just for me. If other people read it, well that would be ok. Maybe my take on my life experiences could be useful to someone else thinking through their own issues. Then I thought I'm so terrible at keeping in touch with people this would be a great vehicle for people who were wondering how I was doing to just drop by and take a look at their leisure, so I started letting people know the address of this blog. Then this situation with Nigel emerged, and now I'm wondering if all of those decisions were really compatible with one another?

I am now sharing what had largely been my private stuff save the one friend (well and Nigel of course. However, given his reactions to what I've shared, maybe I was correct in my first characterization). After the last couple of days, I'm sort of feeling like I'm wearing the emperor's clothes. For now I believe I've made the right choices. The people who know me who may or may not be reading are people I believe truly care about me and so are probably the ones who I should have been sharing this stuff with all along. However, if I think something I'm about to share is "too much information" for people who know me, I might put some kind of "TMI Warning" at the beginning of the post (so be forewarned you few readers you).

So, as for my thoughts on the situation with Nigel, I have one simple perspective. I want both Nigel and myself to be in a relationship that is both happy and healthy, that supports and encourages the other towards greater degrees of wholeness. I would like this to be the same relationship for each of us, our relationship. I think this means being honest with each other about what we want from life, which I also know, means that first we each need to be honest with our own selves first, which may be the more difficult feat.

One friend is skeptical that the relationship will be able to continue. He says that in the entire time that he has known Nigel (which is much longer than I have), Nigel has not changed and what would be necessary for Nigel and me to be in the kind of relationship I desire, all agree, will require some growth and yes change on both our parts. He may be right, but I could not live with myself if I did not encourage us to try.

I was in Bed, Bath, and Beyond (lingering mostly in the "Beyond" part I guess) earlier today, and I came across a set of those 3-D inspirational word plaque thingies. I found myself drawn to one that said simply "FAITH." If I remember correctly, recovering Evangelical moving on to lapsed Catholic that I am, faith is defined in the Bible as "the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen." I certainly need an abundance of that, so I bought it and it now sits on top of the entertainment center in my little rental home as a helpful reminder. Plus, since I've already determined that I want to dwell in hope and to draw from love, it seems only fitting that I have faith to complete the set.

this is going to be tough

More communications between Nigel and myself following my note to him. I have no additional commentary (save the title of this entry) to express how I feel. Perhaps towards the end of the weekend, I'll have something to share:


Dear clarus,

I have spent the evening and now early morning hours considering both our conversation and letter. I must say that it is with a heavy heart that I send this email.

I am particularly struck by the statement that "you are no longer interested in preserving the relationship at all cost" (paraphrased). It seems odd to make such a remark so early into this new "relationship."

I thought I would never hear that from you, so it comes as quite a shock to the senses. I know that I do not want to be one of the many gay couples who end their relationship after a few years; how convenient it is to RUN from one's relationship problems.

It is clear to me a least (based a careful read and re-read of your letter) that you hold serious levels of anger toward me. Right now, I feel like a complete failure as I feel that everything I have done in the past 7 years has been wrong. I remembering you saying that I was a "nag" for saying things bout dining, TV programming, etc. I thought I had made a serious change in my behavior in that regard. I guess I didn't.
I thought I was a loving partner. I guess I was mistaken in that too.

As of this writing, I feel shocked, angry, disgusted, sad, hurt, and punched in the stomach. I'm also guardedly optimistic.

Love,
Nigel

PS: I also know that this email is not well-written. I do not think I have expressed myself well. In part this is because I do not know what to say.


Dear Nigel,

I am so sorry that you have had a difficult night and that I am the cause of it. It really does break my heart to think how much you are suffering. When I made the statement I did, which I agree with you was gut-wrenching, I made it with a full reflection on all of the years we have been together. In all that time, I did have a "preserving at all costs" mentality. Unfortunately, for me that meant squelching my perspectives and denying my needs. In fact this e-mail is probably a great example of the dynamic at work.

You would do or not do something. I would think about talking with you about it. I would more often than not choose not to address it because I was not sure how you would react. You might become seriously angry and lash out at me. You might become emotionally devastated and not be able to get out of bed for days. I am not sure if you realize this, but you can be a formidable presence -- even in your silence.

You mentioned feeling like a failure. I feel that way too. I feel like I should have been better at standing up to you, at expressing my feelings, at demanding a real response from you, but I wasn't and the question for me now is can I be in this new phase of our relationship?

When I wrote that I was not willing to go back to the relationship the way it was before, this is part of what I meant. I can't be silent anymore and if it means your lashing out or being hurt, then I guess it does, but know this also. I cannot continue to willingly put myself in that kind of situation. I cannot look at you unable to get out of bed because of something I've said and feel whole. That kind of situation is too damaging for my own psyche. There are people who could do that -- who could look at you in that situation and say "well, that's his problem." I am not one of them. I think you of all people know that.

I've come a long way in developing a thicker skin, but my heart is still vulnerable. In the work world, I am now managing much better with allowing people to own their feelings and not take on the responsibility of their stuff. The question now is can I do that at home? Do I even want to? I feel that to become the kind of person who is not affected by another person's pain would move me too far from the person that I believe God has created me to be. To become that person would mean that I am no longer me. This is what I meant by preserving at any cost. Does being with you mean that I have to kill off who I am?

Home is a place that I want to come to to be at peace and at comfort with who I am. When I spoke to you about being under siege, it was about my not understanding why I had to justify some of my most basic decisions.

Nigel, you are a loving person, and I know that I do love you, but there are other aspects at work as well. This is very difficult. I just keep thinking that I want you to be well and I want me to be well. That and I am really tired.

I will talk with you later tonight. Love. cmh

P.S. Your e-mail was very well written because it expressed your heart. That's all that matters.

getting real-er

Here is my response to Nigel. It's a long one so read at your leisure. A wrap-up to provide context and perhaps Nigel's reaction tomorrow.

August 13, 2008


Dearest Nigel,

I write this letter at the beginning of another day with a heavy heart. I think it was obvious by my reaction in the phone call last night that your letter affected me to say the least – not only because of the feelings you expressed but because it has forced me to finally confront the thoughts and emotions that have been swirling on the edges of my own consciousness. It seems that I have not allowed them to fully form and motivate conscious action (though they appear to have been working on the subconscious level). Why you may be asking? I think it is because I am afraid of the emotion they will evoke in both of us. There is even admittedly some fear of what my expressed feelings will motivate you to do – concerns about knee-jerk retaliation or other harmful acts do come to mind as possibilities (and I believe you understand why they would). Yet, as you have heard me say before, fear is not a realm that I will purposely choose to dwell in, and so, I begin to put my thoughts on paper. Unfortunately, words are so limiting and can have so many meanings that I fear that my true feelings will not come across or will be misconstrued. Still, you expressed some serious and heartfelt perspectives that deserve a response. My hope is, however imperfect, this letter will at least be a start.

I feel that I should first revisit how we got to this place from my perspective. When Prudence made her initial overtures back in March, believe it or not, I went through quite a struggle of whether or not to even initiate an exploration of the matter. I knew that I was not happy in my life, particularly with my role at [my previous job] and just the overall work environment there. On the other hand, I knew that you had expressed that you believed changing jobs would be extremely difficult if not impossible. That fact coupled with your understandable concern for your mother and your overall reluctance to leave the Midwest made me, at first, feel that, as promising as a new opportunity with Prudence would be, it did not seem that it was in the cards as they say. It was not until I had a conversation with an old friend (not Joe by the way) that I realized that the reality was that you and I were both unhappy with life and stuck in that state. It was with that new perspective that I approached you about pursuing discussions with Prudence.

I truly believe that my initial hope for this process was that it would be just the push to get us “unstuck.” I was very scared (and still have a little trepidation), but what kept me going was the single thought, “what if this were the exact action that needed to be taken to get us both to a place of happiness and fulfillment with life.” Now, it is my hope that these thoughts are not new to you because I expressed them repeatedly from the outset of the process. If they are new to you then I think that fact may say something in and of itself.

I am seeing now, particularly with your note, that my hopes may have been misguided. Though I believe, through the circumstances that have led to it and followed, the change is exactly what I needed to do, I see we have different perspectives of the desired outcomes for this change. I really want this to change to work. I want the job and my life experience here to be as successful as possible for as long as possible. I don’t think you feel the same. Truly, at the core we probably have different perspectives on our life together and LIFE (as you wrote) in general.

You wrote “we miss LIFE by being apart,” but I hope you will look back and see that, particularly in recent years, I, at least, had no LIFE in Midwest. I didn’t even have a life. I was not living but existing. After so many years of a combination of work and struggle in and outside of our household, my soul was crushed and my spirit was broken. I could elaborate on the work and struggle but if thoughts and specific examples don’t immediately spring to mind for you then rehashing them in a list here will have little use. I had gotten to a point of such brokenness that I truly questioned if I could ever be whole again, and the sad thing is this is not something that was done to me. I let it happen. Slowly but surely, bit by bit, I let go of those things that were essential aspects of who I am to such an extent that I didn’t even know they were gone. I should add that more than one person has told me they saw and painfully agonized over the change in me. “There is no life in you any more,” one person wrote me.

You also wrote in your letter “the problem boils down to the personal and the professional,” creating a dichotomy about my decision that does not exist for me. You have persistently chosen to craft this as my making a choice between the professional life and the personal life, but the reality that is becoming clearer and clearer to me is that I made this choice for the betterment of both my professional and personal life. And so now, in our separation and from your letter, I see what began as a hopeful journey for us may now actually be a hopeful journey for me. Please know this as well, my love for you causes me to cling still to the wish that it will be one for you as well.

There is one immediate result of the change that I should note and here is as good a place as any. In this space where I am now, I no longer feel like a person under siege. I no longer have to constantly justify my every thought and decision -- why am I going to bed at a certain time, why am I watching certain television programs, why don’t I want to go out to eat, and so on. I can just be. It is a good feeling. One that I was accustomed to with any place I called home, but was not present in our home at the time I left.

The truth is I think I looked to you for a love that would support and sustain me through the best and most difficult of times and to give a love that would do the same for you in return. Perhaps this was unfair given the imperfect vessels we both are. We are two people that have struggled mightily with loving ourselves and as much as I have endured a battle in that area, you, my first and dearest love, and are in the midst of full blown warfare on a global scale. Actually, that is not quite accurate. Though a war has been waging over love of self, you have shifted to being a passive rather than active participant in that war. You have, in effect, from my perspective, begun drafting terms of surrender for your soul.

I just reflected on my desire for receiving and giving love in this relationship. I believe you too looked for receiving the same kind of love, but not necessarily to give that kind of love in return. I am now at a place that I can express that this too was unfair. We have not been co-laborers in this relationship, my love – co-dependent, perhaps, but not two people who have truly shared equally in all of the aspects of sustaining a life together.

Perhaps that kind of loving relationship with another person, one that nurtures and supports and even heals, does exist, but again, sadly, my experience is beginning to cause me to seriously doubt it. If that love should ever emerge in my life then I will consider myself doubly blessed. To be completely candid, I would still love for it to emerge from you. For now, it is time for me (and I submit for you) to continue with recognizing that Love dwells richly and deeply around us and that we should look to that for our sustenance.

I want to specifically address the feelings you expressed about Winston because I think the situation is a microcosm of the dynamic (yes, my favorite word) of our relationship. But first, let me apologize if my reactions have seemed to trivialize your feelings for Winston. I know you love and miss him and your having to be apart from him actually does pain me to. Believe it or not, as much as I love Winston and would have missed him dearly, I agonized over whether it was the right thing to do to take him away from the only home he has known. You acknowledge that I am “the better parent,” but I’m not sure what that means to you? Does it mean that you recognize that taking care of Winston -- walking him, feeding him, spending time with him, seeing to his health and grooming -- are not just things you do when you feel like it or when you feel up to it? I have taken care of Winston when I have had the flu, when my back has been out; seen to his grooming; taken him to the kennel when I’ve gone out of town because you didn’t feel you wanted to take care of him in that time; rushed him to the vet when he was sick and you know there are numerous other examples. I’m not sure if you realize, but not once in the five years that we’ve had him, did you say, “Clarus, you sleep in today or you go ahead and go get some rest tonight, I’ll take Winston out”? To the extent that you did relieve me of some of the responsibility, it was with my begging entreaties or stony insistence or both (by the way that is the explanation of why I threw the collar down that one night and kicked down the dog gate. All of that frustration came bursting out in one tremendous fit of rage).

The sad reality is you’ve had five years to demonstrate that you would provide the kind of selfless care that I believe a pet should receive and certainly the kind that I would want any pet that I love to have. You chose not to, and on my part it is a choice I enabled. I did not bring Winston here with me as much because I felt I needed him with me, but because it was the only way he would continue to receive the kind of care I believe he deserves.

Now expand that image to us and I think you begin to see what, from my perspective, has led us to this point. None of this has developed over night. It has resulted from daily choices over seven years.

What all we have both written means for us I truly have no idea. Today, August 13, 2008, this is all I know for sure. I want to be as happy and fulfilled in life as I can be. How that happens I don’t fully know. Recent experience may have put some dents and doubts in my belief that that kind of life is possible, but I have not abandoned all hope. However, I do know that the life I have just come from in Midwest did not allow for the fulfillment that I seek. I cannot go back to that life as it was. I cannot dwell in fear and under the belief that life is all toil and turmoil and then you die any more. I cannot live in a household where I feel under attack and that the responsibility for the care of that home (and for that matter the relationship itself) does not rest equally on the shoulders of both people who dwell within it. I just can’t.

My one suggestion is this. Let us use this time apart to continue to clarify what each of us wants from life and each other. Let us then come together to see if what we each desire is mutually reinforcing, can be achieved better together than apart and the way that we can move forward in building a new life.

I wish I could say that my motivations are grounded in preserving the relationship at all costs. It is not. I love you and have been bonded to you more tightly than any other human being that I’ve known on Earth save maybe my mother. In her case please remember that entering into a familial relationship is by order of nature. Entering into and remaining in our relationship was and is by choice. I love you, but I cannot continue to love you in spite of caring for myself. Our relationship has to be a place where we both feel cared for and loved beyond measure.

This is where I am.

With hopes that all will (eventually) be well,

clarus