long ago and far away

here's a song that perfectly describes where i am today. it's an all time classic that i'm sure many of you have heard before. i'm actually posting two versions. one is the song from the album. the other is a live performance by the same artist. the lyrics are below as well. and now if you'll excuse me, i need to get back to some more crying.

long ago and far away (recorded) - james taylor

long ago and far away (live performance) by james taylor

long ago a young man sits
and plays his waiting game
but things are not the same it seems
as in such tender dreams
slowly passing sailing ships
and sunday afternoon
like people on the moon i've seen
are things not meant to be
where do those golden rainbows end
why is this song so sad
(why is this song so sad)
dreaming the dreams i dream my friend
loving the love i love
to love is just a word i've heard
when things are being said
stories my poor head has told me
can not stand the cold
and in between what might have been
and what has come to pass
are misbegotten guests alas
and bits of broken glass
where do your golden rainbows end
(where do the rainbows end)
why is the song i sing so sad
dreaming the dreams i dream my friend
(dreaming the dreams i dream)
loving the love i love
to love to love to love
whoa no no no no no
Read more at http://www.songlyrics.com/james-taylor/long-ago-and-far-away-lyrics/#gH9vxeCmRshAETSi.99

my lost art of conversation and companionship

i went for a drive today down to my favorite comics shop, something that is becoming an almost weekly ritual. on the way into the city i was listening to the ew channel on sirius xm where they've been doing a "best of" marathon with segments from their various shows. i was listening to the fun banter of the the hosts from "inside movies" and was just struck with the easy, fun conversation they were having. it was at that moment that i thought, "i have no one in my personal life here to have that kind of interaction with." and the familiar aching and yearning for intimate companionship rippled through my heart.

after i arrived and was walking through the store, grabbing items of interest to take advantage of the great weekend sale they were having, my heart grew heavier and heavier with this reminder of my current state of affairs. a song came over the store pa system at one point, and it reminded me of a friend. i texted him and we had a very brief exchange. it was nice and somehow, as with so many other similar interactions, it just made me want to be with this friend more -- to share a drink, see a movie, laugh over some stories, or just enjoy being in the presence of someone who you feel "gets you."

truth be told, i have become so reliant on email, texts, and instant message chats, i'm at a loss for when the last time i had an actual conversation with another human being outside of work that didn't involve saying thank you to a store clerk or ordering some take out food. my world feels so painfully confined and lifeless.

it's funny the things i think about as i'm doing even the most ordinary of tasks. as i continued to wander through aisle upon aisle of comic books, graphic novels, and related paraphernalia, fill up my little shopping basket with planned purchases, i stopped and stooped down to get a better look at items on a bottom shelf. scanning the various books before me, it hit me how i just have this need to give to people's lives, that for me the joy of relationship is not just what i receive but even more so it's about the opportunity to care, to share, and to give my love to someone else and this is true for family, friends, and significant others alike. i guess that's what's been the most difficult and cruelest part of this past year's experiences. all i want is to have more of these opportunities in my life and life doesn't seem interested in providing them.

now i'm back home, lying in bed in the early afternoon, typing this entry, and wondering if i'm going to be writing this same type of entry this time next year. i guess it's time for a nap.

how low can i go?

my mood continues in steady downhill decline. in fact, it's really my whole state of being that just feels as if its collapsing. i just keep wondering how much further down i will or can go before i'm not able to function altogether. still waiting for that one good thing.

crawling into another holiday weekend

this week i am employing a very simple survival strategy, "just do your best to get through Wednesday and to the four day holiday weekend." it feels as if the cumulative effect of the year's emotional, mental, and physical stress and strain is weighing down my every movement, my every thought, my every breath. i didn't know it was possible to feel this spent and worn out.

i guess it doesn't help, as i know i've observed before, that i leave the day's work efforts and some battles just to take up an ongoing emotional struggle with assaults on my self-esteem during the evenings and weekends. it's all effort right now. no rest. no relief. just struggle.

today i heard a message about how difficult times make us stronger and challenges build our character. so, if this is true, i would imagine that as a result of this year or so, i should be at about a combination of charles atlas and mathama ghandi. yet, if that's the case why is that all i continue to feel is broken, alone, and lost?

the same drill

almost every sunday night of this calendar year it has been the same drill. i settle onto the couch (or into bed), the thoughts of the week's activity ahead begin to filter through my mind. i see an immediate line of long, busy, stressful days, followed by lonely, sadness-filled nights. as i try to raise my gaze higher to see further into the future, hoping to catch a glimpse of something better, all i see is more of the same. and beyond that i just see emptiness. the kind that matches the interior landscape of my heart and soul. i do not see this life of mine as a good thing at the moment and i'm not sure i can take another year of the same.

still searching, still longing

the song below is one that i just got finished listening to as i was taking a hot soak in a mineral salts infused bath. as the song started for some reason it hit me that i first heard this song 15 years ago shortly after i had come out as a gay man (it also occurred to me that this year was my 15th anniversary of said event. perhaps i realized that at some other point in the year but have no recollection of that happening). i found the cd the song is on in the sales bin of a local book/music store that i used to frequent (and which has long since closed).

i have listened to this song so many times over the years. i've even posted it on this blog a time or two. it is a song that expresses the most fundamental of desires that of love and faithful companionship in a truly eloquent way. listening to it while immersed in warm bath water, i thought back to those times i first listened to those songs. newly accepting of my sexual identity, i listened and longed that what was being expressed would come true in my life -- that now that i was clear on who i was, i would finally be able to find that "real thing." 15 years ago there was, yes, so much longing but there was hope that it could happen.

i wonder how i would have felt if i knew that 15 years hence that i would still be searching and that all i would have to show for my hoping was a failed long-term relationship that brought more sorrow into my life than support, more hurt than healing, and more pain than love? what would my response have been to the fact that 15 years later i would be alone in a new city with no prospects for much happiness ahead?

i guess life felt that the part of the song i deserved was "nothing at all." i guess the search is over.

real thing - bobby caldwell

what will be left?

i'm not sure if i've had a more stressful week in the three plus years i've been in this organization. i've lost count of the number of times my blood pressure has risen over the countless ridiculous things that have happened as we've tried to plan for and conduct an orderly approach to the workforce reduction. the fact that most people seem to be in some other frame of mind, blissfully unconcerned, disengaged, uncaring or all of the above about the major action that is about to take place does little to help my level of frustration.

it would be so helpful to be able to leave work and just relax. unfortunately, i continue to struggle with the same set of emotional problems that have plagued me all year.

i keep wondering how much of me will be left to give by the end of the year. it already feels that what is today is not enough.