this week has started out with me in the strangest of moods, particularly when i consider i had a quite lovely weekend. i am not sure then why i am so weary and worn out. last night i just collapsed into bed -- spent both physically and emotionally, lacking motivation to do much of anything. this morning i awoke in the same state.
there is a statement that bilbo baggins makes to gandalf at the beginning of the fellowship of the ring that really captures how i feel:
I'm old, Gandalf. I know I don't look it, but I'm beginning to feel it in my heart. I feel... thin. Sort of stretched, like... butter scraped over too much bread.
now, while i am older, i recognize i'm not old (except in gay years. by that calendar i'm practically prehistoric). what i do feel though is stretched to my thinnest point. like there's really nothing left to give. and i feel it deep in my heart.
when you're in a place like this (and i have been before), it's difficult to imagine that life will be any other way. it feels as if you will continue to be stretched until you're pulled apart altogether. that's where hope and faith have to kick in, even if your capacity for either feels as stretched out as the rest of you.
worn, weary, thin. yep, that about covers it.
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