loving the idea of love

no remedy for love - susan ashton

i shared the above song with a friend the other night. he's a new friend, who also loves music, and we've developed this practice of sharing songs that have particular meaning to us or that we just really like. i shared this song as an example of the talents of this particular artist, who is among my all time favorites (i've shared other songs by her on this blog -- in fact, i think i may have even shared this particular song previously).

it's a lovely song (in fact, i'm listening to it as i type this) with moving lyrics, great music, and a sublime vocal performance by ms. ashton. at the moment i shared it though, i was struck with this thought, "do i love the idea of being in love more than i enjoy the exercise itself?"

the reason for the self-query? i find myself in another season where the act of relationship is quite painful. i am realizing that i am weary of trying to make a long-distance relationship work. i can no longer ignore the minor and major dysfunctions of my relationship and i see no resolution in sight.

so the question becomes, while i have this ideal of love as expressed by the previous song, is it worth it when for me love seems to always come back to the place expressed by this next song (and if you have not heard this album, i highly recommend it. it's easily going to be on my favorites of 2013 list)?

islands - sara bareilles

during this same conversation with my new friend, i raised the possibility that i may not be capable of love. he expressed some skepticism with respect to this assessment. i believe the exact quote was, "dude, you've only been with one guy. you can't say you are not capable of love."

now, part of me thinks that his reaction results from the luxury of not yet knowing me all that well. it's true i've only been with one guy -- one guy but three different attempts at love and they all seem to have come to the same place.

then again maybe the preceeding reflections are the questions at all. maybe the real question is do i even care anymore?