sinkhole

long-time readers of this blog know that on occasion i have these moments where i go into pretty much of an emotional freefall (for an example, go to this blog entry feeling foolish). i'm noticing that one circumstance that is ripe for such an occurrence presents at the outset of new relationships when each person is still a relatively unknown quantity and the patterns of engagement are not well set. well last night was another one of those moments.

i'd come home early from work as a result of having some particularly bad gastro-intestinal issues, climbed into bed and went to sleep for a bit. when i awoke i powered up my laptop and began browsing my usual stomping grounds on the world wide web. after a bit, my new friend popped up checking to see if i was online. thinking i was going to engage in another of our fun chats i eagerly responded with the usual, "hey, how goes it?" type of greeting. well, we did chat, but i think only a sado-masochist would classify it as fun (at least from my side of the conversation).

not too long into the chat my new friend shared something that had occurred and something else that might occur in his day. immediately upon reading the words, i felt my heart stop and this sinking in the pit of my stomach. it was almost akin to earlier in the day when i had what i thought was going to be a routine trip to the rest room and shortly therein realized it would be anything but (emerging 25 minutes later, sweating and drained, my initial suspicion in that instance was confirmed).

now i have experience with that feeling. it's a sign that some amount of emotional instability might kick in. when that happens the rational side of my brain comes immediately to the fore and it did so in this case. "why are you reacting this way to what he shared? there's nothing wrong with it. it's none of your concern. he doesn't owe you anything." that was the rational side.

well, the emotional side is nothing if not prepared for a fight and proceeded to launch in with a tirade that was a combination of my having been betrayed and in some ways deceived by how this person had been presenting himself to me. rational persisted and got to a point that he managed to move my emotional side to a recognition that it was really inappropriate to be upset with my new friend.

unfortunately, when my emotional side gets worked up and manages to have his focus moved from the initial object of attention, he feels he needs a new target at which to lash out. without fail that target is the only other person readily available at that particular moment -- me. still seeing red, he was in full attack mode. "you are so stupid to trust, to open your heart to someone else. you're ugly. you've made all the wrong choices about work and relationship. your life is empty and devoid of love. you are alone and will be for the rest of your life."

interestingly enough, my rational side always remains silent when i am under attack from the emotional. he's really good at coming to the defense of others but as for me? well, not so much. actually, not at all. and deeper and deeper i sank into a new emotional sinkhole.

this kind of situation is painful enough to experience alone. i really hate when there's an observer. my poor new friend could sense the shift and did his best to attempt to bring some cheer. i feel particularly bad about that in that he's been dealing with some really serious personal issues of his own and didn't need to be dealing with my stuff on top of his. after a period of time, we said our good nights and logged off.

as should not be a surprise, i did not sleep at all well (despite having taken a sleep aid - i think it's time to move from over the counter and talk with my doctor about getting the good stuff). i awoke to an email from michael. it was short (and possibly curt), indicating he hoped all was well. now michael being michael that could have been a sincere wish or it could have been a passive aggressive, sarcastic dig that was chiding me for not engaging in our nightly call (given that he left a couple of messages on the answering machine, i know where i'm leaning right now).

i wanted to write back that all is most definitely not well. i'm really done with our long-distance relationship. i'm tired of being alone. i'm sick of not having the kind of love, intimacy and support in my life that i so desperately want from him. i'm frightened by the fact that i don't believe he is capable of providing these things and never will be (and the same for me to him). instead i told him that i had been sick with stomach issues and that i hoped he would have a good day.

the rational side wins again.