the difference

i was driving along this morning thinking about life and the choices i have made and will have to make. as various potential future scenarios flashed through my mind, for some reason, i started thinking about a particular moment in the movie "steel magnolias." i hope most if not all of the readers of this blog have seen this film. being a card carrying, gold star homosexual, i have, of course, seen it so many times that i can practically recite the dialogue from memory.

this fact being disclosed, it is not surprising that moments from the movie readily come to mind. this particular scene is between the character of shelby, played by a young julia roberts, and her mother m'lynn, played by sally field. shelby and her husband jack, played by the always yummy dylan mcdermott, have announced that she is pregnant with their first child. because of a chronic medical condition, shelby has been advised not to have children. m'lynn is less than thrilled with the news and retreats to a bedroom followed by shelby. during their dialogue in which m'lynn expresses her concern, shelby shares her motivation for wanting to carry a child and in so doing makes this statement, "i would rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special."

thinking about this scene also made me think about michael's reaction to it when we were once discussing the movie. he was in the m'lynn camp, thinking the choice to be a foolish one particularly given the consequences that result (i won't go into specifics for those who, for some reason unknown to me, have not seen this wonderful movie). i on the other hand, when i first saw the movie (and actually every time i've seen it after), felt the meaning of those words reach in and sound a resonance deep in my soul that made me weep.

now please allow me to clarify that i actually would rather have a lifetime of wonderful but i definitely relate to the need of wanting to have a full life with the risks entailed than a safe and sedate life without them. i can't help but recognize the difference in michael and my reactions really being pretty accurate reflections of the difference we share on how life should be approached and experienced. and that no matter how hard we try it is this difference that ultimately brings us to the same place of struggle and heartache. it is what i believe is bringing us again to another fork in the road in our journey together. i know the road i must travel as challenging as that may be. i can't speak for michael. then again i rarely have been able to.