ever have one of those thoughts while walking that literally stops you dead in your tracks? the following is the thought i had this morning that completely fits that description:
the essence of frustration is having something that you don't want because it's not working and either wanting something that you can't have or can't seem to get because that's just how life has arranged itself.
this week i've been spending quite a bit of time in contemplation on the concept of love and my relationship to it. the fact that this is the second blog entry on the topic this week, as i even shared in that earlier entry, demonstrates that such an exercise is by no means a novel one in my life.
i think what may be different is the shape and form that it is taking this time around. let's be clear. i still believe that love is a fundamental, essential aspect of all of our lives. and of course, love takes many forms -- caring, support, intimacy, passion, empathy and is expressed in many ways -- love of family, friends, pastimes, (for those of a spiritual nature) of god or some higher power, and, perhaps most significantly, of a spouse, lover, significant other, or what have you. it's the use of the word "perhaps" that is the best reflection of this new direction my contemplation has been leading me.
over the past few weeks i've been read over many a past entry on my yearning for love and relationship. from that review i've begun wondering if i've placed too much importance on that form of love. maybe, it's time to stop putting a prescription on how love needs to be present in my life and just accept and appreciate the forms of it that manifest each and every day. maybe by not looking for it in a specifically defined form, i.e., a monogamous marital-like relationship, i can stop looking at my current realtionship with michael, which by its very construct is problematic, as my only opportunity to have love in my life. thereby, i can stop torturing myself to make something that is clearly not working be something that it can't. maybe, my questioning of am i capable of love is not as much about being able to love as it is about capability to meet certain expectations about how love should be expressed.
the use of the word "maybe," takes me back to another blog entry with that title. i described to a friend recently that it was an entry that was really written through me rather than from my conscious thought. the statements there are becoming a kind of manifesto for me for this next season of life -- my new map, if you will, to borrow from yet another blog entry. i repeat those thoughts here as they really seem to reflect the thoughts expressed in today's entry and maybe, just, maybe i'm finally close to the heart of the matter:
maybe it's about a continuous re-awakening to a few things -- life is too short for regrets; it's ok to let go of some illusions; sometimes you have to make your own rules; every now and again, i need to come first; detours aren't always about losing your way; love will last . . . .
maybe . . .
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