it was another rough night in the clarus65 household (party of one) last evening. at a certain point, i was just curled up on my bed, thinking, "if i could just have someone to hold me right now, even for just a bit, maybe i would be alright." that palpable need for some physical affection is most definitely not new, but last night it was at its most acute level (at least i hope that was the most acute because i'm not sure i could survive a stronger dose).
the feeling reminded me of my days when i worked in hospitals and i would be walking through the neonatal intensive care units and see the volunteers providing much needed nurturing to prematurely born infants. they often would be sitting in rocking chairs, gently holding those delicate lives in their arms, whispering to them, willing them to hold on to life, assuring them they were loved. i would always be moved by witnessing such a simple but powerful act of intimacy. even as i type this i am affected deeply -- in part because of the nature of the act itself, in part, likely, because i'm still feeling that need for affection myself.
"how could i be in this state so soon," i questioned myself. "i've only been broken up with michael for about a month." it's then that i remembered that part of the reason for the break up is that with very few exceptions over the past five years (and pretty much none in the past year or so) there was not much physical or emotional intimacy. now granted in that five years, michael and i were only actually together for about half that time and we were not living in the same city during any of that period (for the inquiring mind, during the other half of that time i was not with anyone else. the same cannot be said for michael. catty aside completed, i will continue with this entry).
so with that recollection it became clear that what i am currently experiencing is not a sudden onslaught of this condition. it has likely resulted from five years (or maybe even more) of no significant experience of affection in my life. i am sure what has made it even more acute is the awareness that i have no idea when or even if i will experience this particular form of affection (one wrapped in the form of a male of the species) again in any meaningful way.
a quick google search on the term that came to me for my condition (which serves as the title of this particular entry) revealed that there was no such animal that bore this specific descriptor. however, i did find a "related" condition termed "emotional deprivation disorder." reading through the definition certainly was an eye opening experience as i have struggled with many of the issues that are described in the definition (well, definitely not with kleptomania but that was in the "further symptoms experienced by some" category). while, i'm certainly not ready to self-diagnose myself as having a full blown case of "edd," i can't deny that some of the points made hit uncomfortably close to home.
i thought all the years of therapy i experienced had brought about much of the healing i needed in this area, but i guess there is still work that remains to be done. if that's the case, i still wouldn't mind starting with being held by a sweet, kind guy. anyone have any suggestions?
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