it feels like i've lost my family

this was the thought that came to me as i was preparing my breakfast this morning. i had just moments earlier seen a message in my email inbox from my mother, indicating she had arrived home safely from her trip to rome (she took a european cruise for thanksgiving). this news got me thinking about the fact that i would not be traveling for the holidays and that i would be here in denver alone.

actually, the more i think about it, this moment of reflection really was not new but rather a continuation of thoughts that i had last evening (a truly dark night of the soul if there ever was one). in them i recalled the things i had grown up believing "family" was all about -- love, acceptance, support, encouragement. and at this time of year, as naive and rather silly as it may sound, i really believed in the idea of the holidays being a special time for families to gather and celebrate.

i then started thinking about how little of that i've experienced in my life and that this year in particular the thought of spending this time with my biological family seemed especially unappealing. it is difficult to live with the understanding that your family doesn't accept who you are and in fact are really opposed to the things you want out of life.

i believe i've shared before that my mother would rather see me alone than with another man. it was a statement made after michael and i had reconciled. i would have to say that over time it has become the singular most painful comment she's ever made to me, and i know the wound is actually still deepening from it rather than healing. now, with the break up with michael (and the loss of a family i thought i was building for the rest of my lifetime), the idea of going to sit and chat and make nice nice with people who would be delighted if they knew of this turn of events is rather unpalatable  (no, i have not shared the break up yet. maybe when i'm in a better emotional state, which at this rate feels like about, well, never).

so for this year, i've sent off my christmas card with a nice fat check and i imagine my mother and the extended family will gather and celebrate together. it will be a nice scene of eating a nice meal, catching up on events, playing bible trivia, etc. they likely will lament that i am not there with maybe a reference or two on what a disappointing son i must be and how it's such a shame about my "lifestyle." a good time should be had by all.

maybe one day i will be able to join them again. i know to do so will require that i be able to tap in to the reservoir of forgiveness and grace that exists for each of us and that we christians believe was the source of the great miracle that we celebrate at this time of year. it is certainly something to hope for and aspire to. maybe one day, i will. sadly, that day is most definitely not today.